“Keeping yourself busy is only a form of self-medicating depression. You’re still not dealing with the issues…”
So I’ve sat on this entry for a couple months…probably more than a couple I lost count. I didn’t know how to express this, I didn’t really know how to feel about it…I couldn’t really get to what IT really was. It’s really been a feeling that I couldn’t truly put a finger on. Yes everything seemed to look great, my immediate family is doing the best they have been doing in a while. I’m finally working in the field that I’ve always wanted to work in. I’m not complaining too much about my love life (or lack there of). I’m traveling more and seeing new things. I’m half way there, the life I’ve wanted for years. But, now that everything was in clear view, I couldn’t figure out why I wasn’t enjoying it as I should be.
Then one day, I heard this song that described EVERYTHING that I had been going through for the the latter part of, maybe even longer. Cranes In The Sky immediately caught my ear, I didn’t even need to hear anything else on the album after hearing that song. That song was my LIFE in song. I often find myself relating to a song, hell sometimes an entire album. It’s how I cope with shit. But this song here, THIS SONG RIGHT HERE??? It was different. Someone was telling my deepest secrets and how I had been trying to “deal” with life. What a bitch…but I loved her for it.
In “Cranes in the Sky” Solange sings of trying to escape oppression. For me, I was trying to escape myself. Trying not to deal with the shit that was right in my face. And idk why I didn’t want to deal with shit but I didn’t….PERIOD! Its not like life was too hard, hell I knew I was well equipped to deal with the things that were coming my way. I wasn’t even trying to act like a victim of “circumstance” or “happenstance”, I knew the things I had ever done to cause “unfortunate” shit to take place in my life. That still doesn’t mean I wanted to deal with shit. I didn’t wanna dig myself outta whatever it was. I didn’t know how. Or, I did know how…but like I said I just DIDN’T WANT TO! Can I be honest for a second? Sometimes I just don’t wanna deal with life. I’m not sure if anyone else is like this, but when I’m all over the place, I freeze. This is the sister of procrastination for me. This isn’t putting it off, it’s saying “FUCK THIS SHIT” all together. I’m not saying it’s right, I’m just saying it’s real.
What I didn’t understand was that this was a new form of depression for me. I’ve been depressed before. Not wanting to get outta bed, unexpected crying, not eating. But, this was different for me. I was self medicating by constantly moving so I wouldn’t have to face the things I needed to face. I’m like “I’ll travel, go to a different state once a week”. Get there, and I’m still feeling some kinda sadness. I tried being social only to realize I don’t really like being around people that much. Sex, rather it had been with someone (or myself lol) it just didn’t do it. Tried isolation but realized that made me sadder. I really thought I was avoiding depression but I was actually burying myself in it even more.
Nothing was working.
It wasn’t until I had a conversation with one of those fucked up people that you learn amazing lessons from (that may go over some folks head) that understood me where I found clarity. I needed to just stop. Stop moving, stop talking, stop reading/viewing others peoples lives on social media. I needed a real life sabbatical of some sort. Just me, my thoughts, and God. It’s amazing how at times, we are more afraid of our own thoughts than the thoughts and criticism of others. Well, at least this is my situation. I’m not the person that gets caught up on what others think. I became comfortable with being exactly who I am some time ago. My fear, is how I view myself.
I NEED TO GET OUTTA MY OWN WAY.
I never wanted to live a life that was pleasing to the eye. I’ve always wanted to make sure my soul was pleased. I had enough of the spiritual post that make it look like your relationship with God was more than what it was. I didn’t want to continue to LOOK like I was enjoying where I was in life. I needed to be there. To be present in everything I was truly searching for. What I realized, is I had lost that when I started telling myself I’m not where I want to be yet. I was causing my own depression. I didn’t look at the fact that I uprooted my life 398 days ago. I just kept looking at not being where I wanted to be in life yet. TRIPPIN! You see how the devil will play mind games with you? lol…petty as hell!
I forgot my “silver lining” worrying about the “cranes in the sky”. I talked so much about “trusting the process” in the past, but didn’t look at things like “this is my process, I need to embrace this journey”. I’m pretty sure God, and the angels he assigned to me laugh at me on the daily bases and say, “poor chile just let us take over” lol.
The key to removing my “cranes” is to realize, things weren’t just going to go away and, most importantly, things aren’t as bad as I had internalized them to be. To remove my “cranes”, I had to realize the lesson in each one of them. God was clearly trying to show me valuable things that I just didn’t want to deal with. Realizing “dealing” was the first step, has made each and every step after so much easier. Being truly grateful for exactly where I am, made everything much easier. Becoming my own number one fan, instead of my worse critic made every thing much easier.
So with all that being said, calm your demons, tell those voices to stfu & GET OUTTA YOUR OWN WAY! You’re just holding up the process 🙂
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