Nerd At The Cool Table
PRIMETIME: How to Close on a Woman at Home (By @ChampagneMalc)

PRIMETIME: How to Close on a Woman at Home (By @ChampagneMalc)

DISCLAIMER: YOU ARE NEVER ENTITLED TO SEX.

Dating is just like basketball and home ownership. The most difficult part of the entire process is closing.

JANUARY 2017. You just had a spectacular date with a stunning woman. The energy and ambiance were wonderful, you two ended up hitting a player little spot after dinner and now you playing kissy face outside of her car. You feel the tension and opportunity building, as does she, but she’s a woman. 85% of the time they wont make the first move out of fear of rejection and the other 15% they only make a move because they know its practically a safe bet. Understanding the previous, we now know that she won’t ask directly unless she’s just bold like that. What she will do is present herself and drop hints. If she lingers, pauses or says any phrase or sentence that you can end with an ellipsis…

“I’m off work tomorrow, you know…”

“I don’t even have anything planned for tomorrow…”

“I don’t have to be at work until 1PM…”

“I wish this night didn’t have to end…”

In the most laid-back, nonchalant way possible you need to invite her over, immediately.

Within the first seven seconds of meeting you she knows if she wants to bust it open like a can of biscuits or not. Plus, in the early stages of dating, women don’t come home with men for nothing. If she trusts and is vulnerable enough to accompany you to the house after an outing she has already calculated every possible scenario in her head, so she’s only trying to experience one of three things.

How you’re living

Your game and temperament. You know, see how you move, how player you are. Test your discipline.

DAT DICK

At some point in the night you may have heard this verbatim or a variation of it : “If you play your cards right.” Let me translate that phrase into man speak for you, Neanderthal.  What she said was: “You already have the pussy, unless you fuck it up. Pressures on, nigga.”

A wise man once said that pressure is only pressure when you don’t know what the fuck you’re doing. If you’re prepared, pressure is just another day at the office. SO, In order to prosper one must follow the two steps that apply to all things: Preparation and Execution.

The will to win is nothing without the preparation, so nigga be prepared. “Stay ready so you ain’t gotta get ready” is one of the codes I live by. Realize that the planning is the most important part to achieving a victory. First, your house should always be clean naturally but it should be especially clean if you’re taking a honey out. You never know what’ll happen at the end of the night.

Women are creatures of comfort. Companies make millions of dollars every year selling comfort-friendly items like candles, fuzzy slippers and shit. Comfort is KEY in closing so make sure that the place is as honey-friendly as possible while maintaining your own masculinity. Ambiance is a major factor. I suggest soft lighting and an active oil burner with a neutral scent. Remember, you never have to set the mood if the mood is always set. Have items in the crib that will attribute to the well-being of shorty. Satin pillowcases, Coconut Oil, Shea butter, baby wipes, an extra toothbrush and a shower-cap. These are all items that set you above other men.

Of course you should have condoms. Of course you should have the normal libations in abundance. Of course you should have SWV playing in the background and the TV on mute. These are things that you know. What you don’t know is that the #1 room in the house that determines whether you close or not is the most private and intimate, the bathroom.

It is not a coincidence that every single time a woman comes over to the crib for the first time she has to go to the bathroom. Ain’t that much water or liquor in the world to make her have to piss again as if she didn’t pee at the restaurant and right before ya’ll left the bar. She is going to snoop because the bathroom is the only place in the house where you can lock yourself in and it’s perfectly acceptable. You can hide nastiness from plain sight, but the bathroom is a true reflection of your cleanliness. A woman once told me that in the minds of her gender clean bathroom = clean dick. Don’t ask. You can also hide the presence of a female from plain sight, but not in the closeness of a bathroom. She’s in there looking for marked territory, peeping shit that you wouldn’t even pick up on. Eyelashes, bobby pins, hair ties, nail polish remover, tampon wrappers and more than one washcloth. If the bathroom checks out, your chances of prospering SKYROCKET.

Sidebar, women also use the bathroom to inform their close friends where they are just in case you’re a serial killer AND to lie to they’re boyfriends about where they are.

Ya’ll thought niggas weren’t hip, huh?

You’ve followed the guidelines and now you’re prepared, so you have absolutely no reason to fail unless you fuck up yourself. The ball is in your court now, so you have to play accordingly. Women love to say that they want you to be straightforward and honest with them and to just keep it real, etc., blah blah blah. NO. Dealing with women requires balance, so you have to always take an angle. If you come on too strong, it’s a turn off. If you don’t come on strong enough, you’re weak. Finding that sweet spot is required! It’s almost like you have to speak their own backwards ass, ambiguous language to them. They are so used to talking circles around oblivious ass niggas that when the time comes, they have this innate desire to be gamed. You can’t say “I wanna fuck the dog shit of you raw on this couch YOU THICK ASS HOE.” Instead you have to say “I really enjoy spending time with you and I’m glad that you trust me enough to share this intimate space with me.”

See how just a few words change a sentence?

The execution is a finesse game. Do not be overzealous and do not be pressed for the pussy. It’s a mutual understanding between the two of you that the pressure is on, so you must follow the rules and remain cool and calm no matter the circumstances. You have to be SO fake oblivious to the notion of sex. I mean you have to move like there isn’t even a vagina in the ROOM. You have be so nonchalant about the idea of sex and so into her that she almost starts to get irritated that you haven’t said something lame or off-putting yet. That’s when the facetious “You think you so cool” and  “You talk a good game” type phrases start to roll out. You’re getting close, but it’s not time to pull the trigger yet, grasshopper.

Women hate planned intimacy. They’ve been raised on Disney movies and fairytales so they believe in and want to be sold the dream that shit just happens. Like magic is real or something. In reality, you’ve working and planning for WEEKS. Been setting her up for the kill shot all along but of course you can’t reveal that information, you gotta make it look good. However smooth you were on the date, you must up that sauce by at least half in order to accomplish the goal. The buzz and vibes that were going on during the date need to be amplified by YOU to the point where she literally wants to throw herself at you. It’s on you to create that intimacy, that closeness, that attachment.

So now, it’s time to create the magic and make her melt. Everyone has a special move that’s their very own. Some guys use the cliché “You want a massage?” route. Others just cuddle and push their meat on shorty to see if bites, figuratively. Jordan had the mid-range jumper. LeBron has the chase-down block. Curry has the half-court three.  Whatever your special is, execute it at the absolute perfect time, cause one wrong move can ruin your chances. Would you rather get blown out or lose the game in the last 10 seconds of the 4th?

Exactly.

Sigh, for the first time ever I’m about to tell on myself. I wont ever be able to use this move again, but if it helps other young men prosper then it’s worth it. I’m a team player. This is what I do.

Once the mood is right, the potions have set in and she’s thinking about looking at a nigga like Nala looked at Simba when he pinned her, I ask a question:

“When’s the last time you’ve been dancing?”

9/10 the answer I get is “Never” or “Wow, I haven’t been dancing in ages!” At this point I turn on “Sweet Love” by Anita Baker, stand up, hold out my hand and invite her to dance.

By the hook somebody’s nipple is out, hers or mine.

If you get the chance to get a taste of the yams, it is mandatory that you fuck her like a wild, rabid beast. If you a real player, you’ll have a bottle of water on the night stand for her after you’ve rearranged her guts.

Remember, no means NO, regardless of the circumstances. Before or during, taking the yams is never okay.

From the West End with Love, I’m Malcolm J. Heaggans with your weekly dose of fly shit.

The Friday Night Company, 2017.

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