Nerd At The Cool Table
All P*ssy Is Not Created Equal (By @Champagnemalc)

All P*ssy Is Not Created Equal (By @Champagnemalc)

When I was a young lion cub, my father told me that sex would make me weak. That it would incapacitate me if I let it. Make me jaded… Influence my decision-making and make me susceptible to manipulation. As a youth I didn’t realize what he meant, but my entire world flipped when I got my first taste of top tier pussy.

I acted completely out of character afterwards. I was functioning irrationally, a puppet to the owner, nothing put a pawn in the grand scheme of things.

A wise man named Chop Ross once said, “Real niggas fall in good pussy and act accordingly.” This statement holds a galactic amount of weight because good pussy is particularly dangerous. It takes time, effort, growth, maturity, prayer, fasting, experience, meditation and strict discipline to be able to handle pussy that is truly exceptional. One must manage himself properly to withstand the power because spectacular pussy will trap and enslave you, if you let it.

After the descriptiveness and melodrama of the previous paragraphs my readers are probably wondering exactly what good pussy is.

First, let’s clear this up. When women mention “Getting Dick,” they’re referring to the act of sex in general. The same also applies to men. Colloquially when we say, “I’m about to get some pussy,” it does mean we are about to have sex but it’s really just a phrase, because vagina and intercourse are UNCONNECTED.

Let me explain. Good Pussy and good sex are NOT to be confused. Sex is verb and vagina is a noun, ladies and gentlemen. Amazing vagina and amazing sex are two different entities. It’s very possible to have sensational pussy yet mediocre sex and vice versa. As a mater of fact, when other attributes of a woman’s sex game are fire prior to insertion, we men subconsciously prepare for average and below tier vagina because good pussy does not have to indulge in the extras. Kind of how the women feel about men with amazing head.

Anyway!

Good pussy is a just a feeling. Not only is it a literal sensation, it’s a vibe. The friction is what aids us men in ejaculating, so that’s what we’re referring to when we say, “the pussy is yankin’.” Marvelous pussy has the perfect amount or warmth, wetness and grip. The best way I can describe it is like sliding in and out of a Jacuzzi that’s perfectly molded for your whole body at 1MPH.

When you’re in some average and below pussy, you can fuck all day while giving little to no effort to keep your composure. Now that I think about it, most of the time when dealing in mediocre kitten we have to TELL ourselves to come, meaning it’s a voluntary action that we have to focus on during strokes. Also, condom sex is a tell all. Even with extra thin condoms pussy that isn’t divine all feels the same. Good pussy though? Oh man. That shit will have you looking down to make sure the condom didn’t break. I mean eyeing the room for something to focus on not to nut. Ceiling fan. Windowsill. Desk-lamp. SportsCenter. Doorknob. It’s crazy because wonderful vagina can come from such a wide range of women. The ones with chest, thigh or arm tats, the very quiet, meek and mild… the loud and crazy. The mean, uptight, laid back. The gapped tooth, lisp carrying, wide-hipped-thick- thighed with no ass.  It’s really a matter of who it was gifted to though.

Extraordinary pussy made Wiz Khalifa dye his locks purple. You see what it did to Jay Electronica, Common and Andre 3k. Had niggas on stage in platinum blonde wigs, shoulder pads and ankhs. Exceptional pussy had me driving from Ellenwood to Cobb County with bad tags and no insurance. Your favorite artist has made a song if not an album about some incomparable pussy. Remarkable pussy doesn’t make you late to work it makes you call off. Brilliant pussy made me fly to London on a whim with nothing but a dream, $300 and an iPhone 4s.

Don’t go around thinking that your pussy is stunning just because some nigga told you so. If you ask any man if the sex was good he’s going to tell you it was unless he just doesn’t give a fuck. If you’re asking if your pussy is good afterwards or anytime in a manner other than rhetorical, it probably was not, but he isn’t going to tell you that especially if he wants more. His actions though? His actions will give you all the confirmation you need. Dear Women, Here are some indicators of Other-Worldly Vagina.

– If a man has to stop every 10-20 strokes or so

– If a nigga switches positions every 3 – 5 minutes

– If he suddenly goes from jackhammering to eating you for an extended amount of time

– If he can cum from grinding and not stroking you

– If he pulls out and he makes your back, butt, stomach or torso look like a Jackson Pollock painting

– If he just stops for a minute and you feel him throbbing accompanied by deep breaths

– If you catch the nigga counting strokes

– If he says and expletive upon insertion

– If he screams or roars like some sort of animal upon ejaculating

– If he falls asleep immediately after

– If he becomes irritable and cranky after not getting any for however long

-If he’s ever punched a hole in the wall

– If he’s ever pulled up to your job, house, or any general place he knew you would be unannounced

– If he’s ever mentioned killing you during sex

– If he puts up with your ridiculous behavior and fits of mild insanity

– If you ever just catch the man staring at you silently half smiling

Run-of-the-mill and below vagina gets treated the same way I just described it. If it’s regular, he’ll act regular. Even if a man doesn’t see himself dealing with you long term he will do just enough to keep access to that miraculous ass box if its worth it. Even the players who are experienced and seasoned will put forward that extra little effort without gassing you if the yams are really magnificent.

God is a comedian because the best sex organs always come attached to the most difficult, irrational, delusional, and dramatic ass women. Some of yall out there with that fire ass yoni don’t deserve it because you aren’t a good person. IT’S NOT FAIR. In all seriousness, with great power comes great responsibility so do right by yourself and that awe-inspiring box of gold that you carry around. One of the richest men that I know said “Boy, if the pussy fye I’ll trick off. No shame.”

The most dangerous woman on the planet is the woman who you’re in love with who has good sex and good pussy.

Do with that what you will. I hope I was able to describe the wonders of the woman to you properly.

From the West End with Love,

Malcolm J. Heaggans

The Friday Night Company

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