As females, we tend to give all of us when in a relationship. I grew up hearing about the sacrifices my mother made for my father, the family, etc. And i’ve heard the same story repeatedly from other female figures throughout my life, “I did it for my family” or “ I did it because I love him”… I never really understood the true effect that these testimonies had on me until I got my heart broken for the third time, by the same guy.
It all sounded so poetic, so heroic.. to sacrifice and hurt all in the name of love. But it’s not, shit is just painful. And witnessing these women standing at the end, “in tact” still married (not always in love, mind you) and with kids just to be able to tell the story isn’t a happy ending. It’s actually a deeply perverse way of portraying what love is meant to be and how it’s supposed to be experienced.
Who am I to explain love to anyone? I’m 24 years old and currently claiming I’m still in love with the nigga that broke my heart a dozen times. But what I can explain is that that I know that there is nothing romantic about selling yourself short in the name of love. I learned that the hard way (I’m still learning, sadly).
If you’re currently in a situation where your heart aches every day, you’re paranoid and constantly have to wonder “why am I doing this to myself… didn’t my mom teach me better?” Well maybe she did, maybe she didn’t, I don’t know…But you feeling second, always putting your pride aside, choosing to deal with his emotions/needs prior to your own and have your mind race 98.9% of the day with issues you have with him is not love. The bible describes what love is in 1 Corinthians 13, “ Love is patient, love is kind…” but to be IN LOVE and demonstrating these qualities without them being reciprocated by your partner is a broken love. In other words…just because your love is patient and kind doesn’t mean that his doesn’t have to be.
Loving yourself first is the key. Understanding yourself worth and your needs as an individual is the only way you will understand that not receiving the love you give is unacceptable. This message is for the girls that have so much love to give it hurts, the girls who are naive and see the good in all situations, the girls who think “it’s okay, this is how it is for now but it will change later” and the girls who make excuses for their man as to why he’s fucked up. Do not give your love away to someone who does not understand it or appreciate it. If he doesn’t appreciate it now, there’s very small chance he’s going to later. Setting standards for what love truly means and upholding them is what is going to let you receive the blessings that you deserve.
All this is harder practiced than said.. trust me. But letting a guy absorb your love that he probably really needs but doesn’t deserve is not our job to deal with, its Gods. Wish him the best and work on you and watch good things happen in your life. Watch your thoughts go from relationship woes to days filled with laughter and happiness. Love is everywhere and there’s other outlets your love can be poured into in the meantime before the right man comes along to share it with (*googles “local volunteering positions now”*).
Love is meant to be experienced fully on both yours and his side and if you feel like it doesn’t mirror what you’re giving then love YOU enough to know whats good mama and make the necessary changes.