Everyone thinks that (s)he is an expert on the opposite sex, even those that claim to know nothing at all.
When I was asked to weigh in on this topic, I was iffy. The last thing I want is to come off as a misinformed airhead, spewing ridiculous advice about dealing with the male populous. I mean, I only know what I know from personal experience and that goes for many. But, it’s also important to remember that everyone has different experiences. And so, I decided to approach this list as best I could by picking the brains of a couple of men that I consider to be less shitty than others. Pairing what they had to say with a little if my own logic and brilliant wit (^_^), I’ve come up with 3 quick gems to remember when dealing with men.
1. MEN AREN’T MIND READERS
This came up a lot. I thought of it as my first potential gem before even asking my guy friends’ opinions. After having heard the same thing over and over, I knew that this was worth mentioning.
Listen, girls. Men can’t read minds. And unless you’re the real life Jean Grey, you don’t have that ability either. So why do some women expect for some men to “just know?” We like to think that certain things are common knowledge. And while that can be true in some cases, it’s very possible for someone to “just NOT know.” And that’s okay. Don’t get me wrong though. Being an all around decent human being to those you supposedly care about shouldn’t be rocket science. However, when it comes down to specifics on how you want to be treated, sometimes you you do have to spell it out. Tedious, I know. But it’s a very privileged way of thinking if you believe that every man you meet will know exactly what you want, exactly how you want it and exactly when, where and why. If you like the guy, and want him to stick around, there’s nothing wrong with taking the time to school him once or twice on what it is you want/need exactly. If he’s a good boy, he’ll learn quick. Just remember that closed mouths don’t get fed. SPEAK UP, HOE! This way, he can’t ever use “I didn’t know” as a valid excuse if you catch him slipping.
2. MEN HAVE FEELINGS
I’m a feminist. Go ahead. Roll your eyes. Suck your teeth. Imagine that I’m some ugly, hairy troll that “only wants equality when it’s convenient.” But before you stop reading, hear me out on why this gem and my feminism go together like Donald Trump and stupidity. Men are human beings, right? So are women. And women have feelings and emotions, correct? So why wouldn’t men? A patriarchal society has engrained into us this distorted concept that women are the only gender allowed to have feelings. To be crybabies, even! Whereas men are supposed to be made of stone. Wrong! Men do indeed have feelings, whether they want to admit it or not. They are made up of a lot of the same mushy, fleshy, pink matter that women are.
This notion that guys are supposed to be über macho 24/7 is hogwash. “Grr! I’m a man and I can grow facial hair on command! Grr! I eat a bowl of broken beer bottle glass for breakfast every morning!” Spare me. Just as a guy can hurt your feelings, you can hurt his if he cares enough. That doesn’t make him a bitch. That makes him human. Hypermasculinity is damaging to our men. Especially our black men. Young boys grow up being told that crying is for punks and being emotional makes you less masculine. Ladies, don’t advocate for this fucked up mentality. Be aware, supportive and understanding that your man feels pain, sadness, frustration, happiness and love just as you do. Worry less about him being emotional and more about his emotional MATURITY. Or you could, like, fuck a bolder if you’re that concerned about somebody being hard. Your call.
3. EVEN AFTER YOU BECOME “WE”, YOUR MAN IS STILL HIM!
I hear couples say the whole “in a relationship, ‘me’ becomes ‘we’” line often. I’ve always interpreted it to mean that you shouldn’t be selfish and you should consider your partner more in the choices you make that affect your relationship. But some people take “we” to extremes. You are both still individuals. Your guy is still his own person. Let him maintain his individuality and personal life. What makes him who he is is what attracted you to him in the first place, so why change it? Give him room to be himself. If he’s comfortable with whom he is, you have to be comfortable with him too. Otherwise, what’s the point? Embrace his uniqueness. Let him have his hobbies. Be supportive of his talents. Maybe take interest in his interests and learn something new. Do not stifle who he is because it makes you uncomfortable. That’s not fetch.
In my experience, some men are trash while some are good as gold. And while we don’t always know which is which, I hope these gems help you maintain healthy connections with the men in your lives, whether they be romantic or platonic. Oh and as a bonus gem, always say no to fuckboys. Always. 🙂