life itself is so magic. not that tender pixar magic where your favorite baseball saves the day, or that shit where eastern Europeans use sparklers to transform pristine white tigers into stage fraught kittens. I mean that old school, harry houdini, drowning in a cold tub of ice while the public watches type of magic. where everyone in attendance secretly hopes they’re the lucky crowd that witnesses finality manifest itself into a last gasp of bubbles as your struggle with a series of locking mechanisms swiftly comes to a frigid, wet, end. life is THAT kind of magic.
so, when my girlfriend invited me out to dinner to meet her entire family, my prediction of a majestic event was more than pure clairvoyance. it was a realization that it was time for me to put on the show of a lifetime. an audience consisting of cousins, aunts, uncles, and the woman she would resemble in 20 something years, (14 if she was a hoe) her mom, would all gather to watch me squirm in the proverbial chains of social mores.
what follows is a guide that may help you out should you ever find yourself in similar circumstance.
– the opening act –
in every good magic show, the more intrigue surrounding the magician himself, the better. the ease of loving everything about people you know little about is the mystique that motivates any happy crowd. so knowing how to make yourself disappear while everyone is looking at you can play to your advantage.
when the waiter first comes around call him to your aid, pull him close enough to privately announce the entire meal will be on you. you don’t want to show off, but the entire family will notice you pass off the visa and get the hint. this will divert attention to the waiters resulting actions. as the bottles of krug appear one after the other like a handkerchief that seemingly has no end, the cheers will be plentiful, and from here you own the crowd.
you may refer to this as a card trick we in the biz like to call it, well, yeah a card trick. you’re right, moving on..
– transposition –
there’s always one person that will scrutinize a trick from every angle waiting to announce to the rest of the audience that he never, not even for a nanosecond (he’s been dying to use the word nanosecond in a real life sentence), fell victim to the charade. the term to best describe this maverick, father. there’s no illusion too grand for such cunning observers as fathers, they’ve written scrolls of criticism that they themselves could never live up to. ironically the solution is hidden inside these very criticisms, satisfy them instead with disillusion.
fathers can’t refrain from dealing grandiose challenges that substantiate the undying love they have for their daughters. so when he corners you with marriage, raising children, or whatever other bullshit he has up his sleeve that involves you placing your dick on a chopping block. give him a dose of honesty he wasn’t quite prepared for. tell him you’re a man of magic, a believer of fate, and that the stars will one day align making the decision for you. i personally like to go with, being the aquarius that i am, that surely one day after an innocent night of cheating one of us will contract the type of std that once passed along to the other would make sharing a lifetime an extremely viable option.
essentially the objective here is to remove yourself from a potentially uncomfortable position, and instead allow your challenger to burden themselves with such a task.
as i’m sure you’ve already concluded, this trick is most often referred to as an ac green, because if someone pops up with an actual std.. you never once performed it.
– devil’s torture chamber –
for this next achievement of wonder and lust, or maybe just wonder, but also maybe.. some lust. probably just wonder tho. you’re going to need a female assistant, which im going to go ahead and assume you brought with you, otherwise this whole event is just a little awkward. I’m sure you’ve seen women that stand up in a box only to have sword after sword thrust into them while they cringed, but when the box opened they maintained their flawless torso. this, is that.
wait for that moment where your girl gets into one of those mini-arguments with her family where they point out one of her perpetual flaws… and attack her. when her sister puts her in the box with you can make ANYTHING about you, huh?! you stab the fuck out of her. follow up with a ahhh.. so glad to know i’m not the only one who notices. for my birthday she decided i couldn’t see my grandmother if done right after three, four agreements you’ll get to tell her mom through a series of laughs that her daughter can be a real fucking bitch, she should laugh back and say tell me about it.. my daughter IS a fucking bitch. now you can release her back with no wounds with one yeah, but i really do love this bitch… man, you’ve just got your girls mom to call her a fucking bitch, and love you for it… magic is real.
– the escape –
at the end of the night while her entire family is faking like they’ ve been seeking your approval the entire night. you look every member of that family dead in their eyes, and you tell them…
I’ve never had much of a family of my own, so i truly thank you all for making me feel so welcome in yours. i hope to one day be able to receive my own childrens partners with that grace and nobility you’ve put on display this evening. this will forever be my example of what a loving family should be you will hear 16 pins click as that lock opens up and you are unshackled. show them your hands, this moment is yours.
this is the perfect opportunity to astonish them with a disappearing act that reveals the visa you had so candidly slipped the waiter earlier was really a $25 prepaid. you’re a magician, your only job is to create memorable awe, and after tonight your legend will live on forever.
just remember, you’re the talent in the show, keep the locks off your girl. she needs you to be secure, not security.