Nerd At The Cool Table
No New Gym Friends (BY @J_Bachelor)

No New Gym Friends (BY @J_Bachelor)

Back in January I made a resolution to be buff by summer. I was New Year’s Eve drunk at the time, but a promise is a promise – and now that trust is broken. And I may never trust another me again.

No one ever plans to stop working out; it just sort of happens. Never has a person walked out of the gym and said, “That was an excellent workout, I’m definitely not coming back here for at least three months.”

It just sort of happens.

The reality is that for those of us who aren’t fitness instructors, athletes or elite strippers, being fit is optional. Which is why, for more than half of those with a gym membership, any day at the gym could be our last – at least for a while. No one knows this better than the people who actually work at the gym; they’re used to seeing club members stick around for a while, disappear, then pop back up months later wearing workout gear that no longer fits and struggling to recapture their groove on the elliptical machine.

Anyway, I’m back in the gym and that’s a good thing. The downside is, I’m in the exact same position I was in last year; inconsistently hitting the weights and eating clean then rushing to get my shit together before pool season.

Here’s how a typical year of exercise breaks down for the average person:

This year is different. This year, I won’t quit.

January/February 2013

New workout clothes. Check. Protein drinks. Check. Dope workout playlist on the iPod. Check.

The first several weeks are great, then out of nowhere life throws a curveball: Maybe you get sick … or get a new job … maybe you’ve met someone new and dates replace the weights … whatever the reason, one missed day becomes two, two becomes four, Abraham begets Isaac and so it goes until the only way anyone would know you belong to a gym is if they saw your bank statement.

Chillin’ like a muuuufucka.

Spring: March/April

Deciding to go back to the gym takes about a day. Gathering the mental strength to actually do it takes a few weeks because, well, there really isn’t a “perfect day” to restart a new lifestyle.

MONDAY: On Friday, Monday seems like the best day to work out. But the day comes, and you remember just how draining Mondays can be. Better start Tuesday.

TUESDAY: Still recovering from a very stressful Monday; so much so, that even the thought of working out is exhausting.

WEDNESDAY: Happy Hour. Tomorrow would be much better.

SCANDAL: Why bullshit. This day was made for one thing, and one thing only.

FRIDAY: Turn up time. Better start Monday.

No new gym friends.

May – August

The gym regiment is crucial at this point because summer is around the corner (June 21) so every week counts. Which is why, this late in the game, there are no new gym friends. Hitting the gym with a buddy is no good if their year of exercise has been like yours thus far. Why? Because the first time they decide not to go, so will you. No new gym friends. No one new.

Cuffing Season: It’s the most wonderful time of the year.

September – December

The Cuddle Months. Cuffing Season. Rent-A-Boo. Whatever you call it – the end of the year will have you flabby and sick if it’s filled with nothing but sex, Netflix and fine Christmas ham. The good news is, the gym is empty during Fall and Winter because so many people are on hiatus, but uoeno.

January /February 2014

Back in the gym and the first several weeks are pure piff.

Then out of nowhere, life throws a curveball …

One missed day becomes two;

two becomes four,

Abraham begets Isaac.

And so it goes.

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