“My baby mom, I mean my girl; I mean my wife won’t even let me watch the game this year.” – Robin Mendeeces Flowers
There are certain events that are part of Americana. Memorial Day, July 4th, Labor Day amongst others but one day on the calendar unites us all like no other; Super Bowl Sunday. This is the most prominent sports spectacle our country has to offer but this year there’s a twist. A dark, evil, sadistic twist, the kind only someone with the callous ruthlessness of Oprah Winfrey could be behind. Beyonce Gisselle Knowles-Carter, the wife & child bearer of Jay-Z Christ is performing in the much coveted Super Bowl halftime show. I consider this bullshit of the highest order. Valentine’s Day is a mere 11 days after National Men’s Day (Super Bowl Sunday), why can’t these rapscallions just enjoy their holiday? I even wrote V-Day rules last year, same rules apply don’t try to switch up. Seriously, enough is enough it’s time for MEN to take our day back, these rules & regulations for your Super Bowl Party will restore order in your household.
Majority of men on the east coast are rooting for the Baltimore Ravens & the honorable Reverend Ray Lewis. Most men on the west coast are rooting for the San Francisco 49ers & their brash new leader Colin “Dre Smith Jr.” Kaepernick. However, EVERY woman is rooting for “King Bey” (makes me sick to my stomach, next you know they’re going to want to grow penises and beards). I’ve had enough of this bullshit; women have gone as far as to affectionately call the SUPER BOWL, the “Beyonce Bowl”. Adhere to these rules & regulations or tuck your tail and don’t.
1. Establish your dominance early– Do all the food & liquor shopping before your lady fills up the cart with her own list & you end up with carrots, celery & Zima.
2. Set a strict seating chart – What’s worse than getting up to use the bathroom & coming back to a woman in your seat? You look like a bully telling her to get her ass up but feel like a punk watching the biggest game of the year with your hands on your knees like you’re at the free throw line. A seating chart is equivalent to pissing on your tree. Mark your territory or end up in the kitchen with the likes of the single homegirls that have a good job but can’t keep a man. You know the type.
3. Control – The one who possesses the remote control of the television is in control of the entire party. You paid for the TV? You have that remote in your possession at all times. Have to go to the bathroom? Remote in the back pocket. Need to take a smoke break? Remote in the back pocket. It’s yours, you own it.
4. Surround Sound – Too many side convos? Ladies in the back discussing the Destiny Child’s pending reunion? Ringers & ringtones on? Pause the game, stand up & let it be known “SHUT THE FUCK UP, THE MOTHERFUCKIN SUPER BOWL IS ON”
5. Contribute or I shall not distribute – Snoop Doggy Dogg (not Snoop Lion the manicurist) once said “Everybody got they cup but they ain’t chip in” Tell your guests to bring something as an entry fee or tell them go watch the game at Sears.
6. Nobody Cares – Miss Lady that got invited cuz you have no real friends & we’re just meeting you for the first time, NOBODY CARES WHO YOU KNOW ON THE TV. We don’t care if you know a player on the team by his first name or nickname, where y’all went or how many figure fours he put you in. Keep your free-spirit hoe-like indiscretions to yourself boo.
7. Feed me Seymour – No back talk ladies. We ask for a sammich, an adult beverage, some bounty or a mint, just do as we ask. A fed man, is a happy man, a happy man is less likely to tell you to shut your ass up.
8. Intermission – This is imperative. We understand the severity of the halftime show but please do not undermine our entire Super Bowl experience by crowding the television by singing along & with outbursts such as “Get it Bey, yas bitch!” We don’t approve & I promise you as men we will mute the television & turn the estrogen down just as we did to the volume.
9. Post Bey Commentary – Ladies, I promise you we understand that you’re panties will be damp & your nipples erect after witnessing your majesty in all her glory but understand this, we love you but fall back. We refuse to hear you dissecting every angle, leg kick & smile Beyonce flashed on stage. I can hear it now, “Did you see the shade Bey threw Michelle?” or “Bey Bey’s hair was laid for all the gawds” we don’t care, we want football.
10. To be continued – Don’t you women dare think for one cotton-picking second that because “King Bey” strutted her sexy little bronze ass off the stage that you can clock out. There’s still an entire half left in the main event, get your independent ass outta here & into the kitchen and cater to us. Beyonce said so, follow suit.
Ravens – 31 49ers – 23
Beyonce – Infinity