Nerd At The Cool Table
2 Hands 1 Gun (By @ProSttp)

2 Hands 1 Gun (By @ProSttp)

In light of recent events, a lot of Americans have been asking themselves a lot of questions. Like, who was the better villain, The Joker or Bane? Or, why do television shows have mid-season finales and leave us empty on the inside? Or what should we do about guns? Well, I’m here to answer all of those questions, and more, for you.

Throughout history, the progression of weapons has been critical to human survival. Their necessity spawning from the ever-present hazards in our environment. From cavemen wielding tree limbs to guard their caves from wild animals, to housewives brandishing golf clubs outside of million dollar estates, it’s apparent we live in the same exact world as our ancestors and the climate of threats hasn’t changed much. Being that the dangers of life have remained constant, and safety hasn’t increased alongside the advancements of civilization, it is essential for us to create the most devastating weapons as possible to keep ourselves protected and free. This is why guns are good.

Guns are the most logical place to go to after exhausting all of your other options. Knives are too multifunctional to be considered real weapons. I don’t want to be able to spread butter and take a life with the same tool. You can do too many other things with knives. If you start mixing functionality, you sacrifice quality. That’s why nobody buys the jar of peanut butter and jelly mixed together. Same exact thing. We need something that is strictly for taking a life. Especially if that life is threatening our life with something that is strictly for taking a life. We have what we need, and now people want to take that away.

There has been a lot of progressive rhetoric going around about taking firearms out of the hands of the people and tightening gun laws. We need that like we need a hole in the head. When the Second Amendment was established, we didn’t go on the internet and challenge our government. We had full faith in their decision because we knew they googled all the pertinent information prior to inscribing their scrolls. When life gives you lemons, you make lemonade. When the government gives you guns, you make other people make you lemonade. I’d rather squeeze a trigger than a lemon.

What comes after stricter gun laws? No guns for anybody? If nobody has guns, who is going to stop the people with guns? Does the military relinquish their own weapons? How do we become the best at war? Being the best at war is like when I used the same thought to masturbate to for five months straight. Did it make sense? No. Did it make me feel good? Yes. When things start to feel good, then everything else around you starts to make sense. So many valid questions. Just as many valid answers. Do we strip our Constitution of the Second Amendment? If so, what’s stopping us from abolishing the First Amendment? Guns and communication exist in the same realm of necessity. Taking the guns out of the hands of the people is the same exact thing as shitting down our throats and crippling our vocal cords, because our freedom of speech might as well be taken away as well. We need to do the exact opposite of shit down our own throats. We need to put guns in everybody’s hands. If you have a hand, I want a gun in it. This country needs to implement a one gun for every two hands ratio. If this happens, the only two things you can do are shake hands or shoot somebody. Nobody wants to get shot. Safety and friendships will thrive. America is a leaky tire, and laws are patches. Why patch the tire when you can drive the car off a cliff and get a new one with the insurance money?

If you have an issue, you have to keep adding onto it until it cancels itself out. There needs to be a gun for every gun because that’s how math works. When you’re doing double sided equations and there’s a 4 on each side, they cancel out. If there’s a 0, well then there’s no problem at all. And we can’t not have problems. Also, if everyone has a gun and someone tries to shoot up a school, the increase of bullets flying around will lower whoever is shooting’s chance of living. That’s another way math works.

First, let’s imagine a land where everyone has a gun. A few things probably come to mind. Destruction. Anarchy.


I’m here to strip you of your impulses and fears. Let me numb the part of your brain that reacts to language. Chicago isn’t a dangerous place. Ferris Bueller twisted and shouted all throughout the heart of Chicago on a parade float and walked away completely unscathed. Any place that lets a crowd member become the highlight of a parade isn’t anymore unsafe than an elementary school in the suburbs.

Guns are good. The problem is, there are too many people who aren’t good at guns. Through proper training, most people can be good at guns. Adam Lanza wasn’t good at guns. If his brain was working fine, he would’ve been better at guns. But, it wasn’t. Nothing you can really do about that. Mental health is only a theory, just like gravity. You’re either born good or bad. And sometimes upside down or right side up. That’s why you can’t really trust theories.

So how do we get good at guns? Right where your morals are instilled, behaviors are formed, and your whole basis for thinking is ingrained. At home. Quite conveniently, with technology being at its forefront, kids can use video games to acquire the fundamentals needed to use guns. With video games being parallel to real life in every way, it’s almost perfect. I recall one specific incident back when I was in the 4th grade. The night couldn’t have been darker, my room couldn’t have been quieter, and the zombies couldn’t have been more threatening. I was playing Resident Evil. I fired off a few rounds with the right trigger, just as I would’ve in real life, into the zombie’s decaying, yet mobile body. It immediately fell to the floor. As I pussyfooted around its carcass, it sprung up to seek out its revenge. No quicker than it pretended to be dead to prey on my vulnerability, just as the game developers intended on, I fell out of my bed with a genuine fear in my heart. It was from this moment on, when virtual reality affected my physical reality, that I knew video games and real life were one in the same and I would never have to leave my house ever again. If access to video games is limited and they can’t get the full, hands-on experience, they can always watch TV to learn from the experts.

On the documentary The Walking Dead, Carl, the 12 year old boy, learns how to fully operate a handgun within only a few episodes.

Now like with any concept or idea, there will be faults. The simple fact is, as long as guns exist, there is going to be collateral damage. Unfortunately, children may fall into the category of collateral damage at one point or another. But let’s not focus on that aspect. Maybe we’re holding kids in such a high regard, that when one of them dies, we’re bound to overreact. If we could find a way to devalue children, then maybe we could protect our rights. Again, I think it all comes down to mathematics. We need to encourage parents to have multiple children. If a parent’s capacity of love is 100%, and they have one child, all their love is going to that one child. Their pie chart of love distribution is filled with one name. If that child dies, 100% of their love has no home and their pie chart is empty. If you have five children and one of them dies, it won’t matter as much because you’ll be able to redistribute your love to four other children. This is how math works. Kids aren’t that important anyway. And don’t tell me I don’t know what it’s like because I don’t have any babies. I used to be a baby and it wasn’t that great. You could’ve killed me and I would’ve never known.

All in all, this country is at a turning point. Without direction, we will be lost. So when the NRA says they want armed guards in every school, I say that’s not enough. When someone tries to give you a hand job, that’s not enough. And it’s disrespectful. This is America, the land of all or nothing. I don’t have an answer for you about who is better between The Joker and Bane, and I think TV shows have mid-season finales because actors are lazy and don’t want to work through the holidays. But I don’t know. I do know how to turn a hand job into sex, though. And I have full faith that America does, too.

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