Welcome back for the second debate in the race for the White House. This will be the first and only debate for the vice-presidential candidates to square off. Hood favorite Joe Biden on national TV? Can’t miss it. Joe figures to be in attack mode too, as the consensus was that Obama lost the first debate. Having a significant lead, it looked like Obama was being careful to not make any mistakes, and Mitt Romney took advantage. That all changes today with Uncle Joe out here, though.
Everyone’s favorite bland white rice political pundit show is back for Week 2! This time they tried to add in some salt with some hipster white guy trying to combine the look of Drew Carey and Rachel Maddow and some remarkable slim tender who will be in my DMs no later than Sunday evening.
“God damnit I have a lot of useless papers in front of me”
Instead of starting promptly at nine, Joe Biden does dirty Scranton, PA proud by taking his god damn time. “Let’s do this thing,” Uncle Joe gruffly exclaims backstage, slamming his flask down on a table. “Go get fucked,” he tells a shifty-eyed production assistant, as he cocks back the slide of his hammer to make sure there’s still one in the chamber.
We’re introduced to our moderator this evening, an old pekingese.
The candidates come out and get acquainted with the moderator creature. The seating arrangement is extremely awkward, suggesting we’re going to be playing Who Wants to Be A Millionaire instead of debating the issues.
“Look at this bitch ass motherfucker here, Martha.”
Biden won the coin toss (never try to beat a Scranton cat at street games) and starts to address the audience. He first talks about the announcement of him starring in the next season of Love & Hip Hop, news that had him all pumped up. He goes right into foreign policy, his area of expertise. He reminds us all that he was in that room watching when Bin Laden got bodied.
True to form, Ryan starts lying immediately about his qualifications and history. Uncle Joe might not be the most eloquent politician out, but he isn’t going to stand for this bullshit. What’s he do? Gets OD disrespectful in the background, laughin’ at Ryan’s points.
“80 pair of sneakers came from the D game. Cousin was a Crip, said it was a C thing”
Biden interrupts Ryan mid-turn, getting filthy Delaware cats everywhere active (word to Nerd). He looks deep into Ryan’s beady eyes and let’s off a shot that’d have Funk Flex dropping bombs until November 6th — “That’s a bunch of malarkey.” Instantly #malarkey is a trending topic on Twitter. Ryan was accusing Broadway Joe of not protecting the embassy well enough, but Biden points out that Ryan cut the embassy budget when it crossed his desk in Congress. Young Tobey Mcguire Spiderman w/ a Widows Peak face just flares his nostrils like Omarion in response.
Martha the dog heaux brings up a new topic. Do we bring any heat on ourselves with ignorant people in the US burning Qur’ans and our troops urinating on Taliban corpses? Ryan jumps at the softball question, but still shook from prior events, fucks it all up. “Ruminating on Caliban orcas is definitely wrong.” Biden styles on em
“This is a waste of my time”
Ryan’s answers to every question are approaching whole new levels of stupidity. He’s the @Rik_Flair of the politics game minus the pauseworthy moments and plus Visine clear eyes. After going on a long diatribe, all Boss Biden chimes in with is “Innnnnnnnncredible” then lets out a little laughter. There’s no way he didn’t listen to 50 Cent – So Disrespectful prior to this.
Billions Biden keeps calling Paul Ryan “my friend” continuing the trend of sonning him publicly. I thought it was bad enough he came out wearing Gunplay’s chain, but this is getting ugly.
Ryan starts talking out of turn and mentions how we should work with Benjamin Netanyahu, the Prime Minister of Israel. Biden’s ears perk up and he cuts in to say he’s been friends with “Bibi Netinya” for 39 years. They so close he’s got nicknames for him. Drops another “malarkey” bomb on us. BRICKSQUAD.
“You talkin bout Bibi? He my cousin from way back”
Ryan shares his ideas for the national budget while Biden stares at him, disgruntled and horrified.
Biden proceeds to preheat a frying pan to 400 degrees, season it with a little cooking oil, butter, and salt. He ties the “Kiss Me I’m Drunk” apron on and procedes to fry the fuck out of Ryan’s budget plan, which he says will further the gap between the upper and lower class and won’t create the jobs we need.
Ryan counters by saying that Joe’s hometown of Scranton is full of bitch niggas. Not directly, but he says that the unemployment rate there is rising. Joe goes into full serial killer prayer mode.
“Lawwwwwwwd give me the strength.”
Instead of talking specifics about budget, Ryan brings up some random sob story about Romney helping out a family that had children paralyzed in a car accident. This is a crazy political mistake
Biden goes supersayan. He says all that shit’s sweet, HOWEVER, Romney still doesn’t care about the 47%, oh and by the way, my first wife died in a car accident you bitch ass motherfucker your sad story sucks. Ryan also brought up Biden’s son, who’s a soldier in the army. Some random tweeter nails it in the broadcast
With Ryan now stumbling around the ropes, Biden decides to end this fools night just 39 minutes in. Ryan says that the stimulus plan Obama put out was terrible. As soon as he started saying this you knew Biden had something up his sleeve because he started crying tears of elation in the background.
Y’all thought I was kidding about the supersayan thing??
Biden says that when they passed the stimulus package, Ryan was sending letters asking for some of the money for his state. If it was such a bad idea, how come you wanted in on it Paulie? Ryan’s cooked.
Biden throws in more ether “If you write me more letters next time fuckboy, I’ll entertain those too,” before pulling his dick through the zipper of his pants and just sitting there like that.
These guys are still scrapping but Biden’s already cleaned him up. He switches gears into “fed up with all this bullshit” mode and runs out the rest of the clock. It doesn’t make sense to analyze the answers individually anymore because Ryan just fumbles around with words like he’s trying to get one of Mitt’s wives’ bra off in the dark. Biden continues to son him, taunt him, and laugh at his answers.
“Do you know for a fact your mother wasn’t in Scranton in 1969?”
This one’s over. The best metaphor I have for the whole thing is this here:
That’s it for me. Thanks as always for having me.
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