Welcome to the first debate of the 2012 presidential race. In case you missed it, or want to go back and clarify some things you saw, I’m here to provide my extensive knowledge and insight in summarizing the events that just unfolded. Here goes.

8:54 pm:

I get settled in my spot, ready like I would be for any other sporting event. I got some wings handy. Tweetlogix app open, phone sitting pretty on the arm rest. Texts flyin in from the political hunnies. I get the debate popping via youtube, but I’m early. Obama and Romney aren’t out yet. We’re back in the studio with the nerdy politics types getting turnt up. This is our version of Ray Lewis giving the pre-game pump up speech except whiter, nerdier, and much less violent.

(Look at how happy she is fam)

8:57 pm:

Still waiting for this shit to pop off. Wondering to myself why Tony Dungy and Bob Costas couldn’t be here to do a kickoff show. This is basically SNF this week anyway. No one cares about the Chargers and trash ass Saints.

(They get their hair cut in the same salon)

8:59p:

These producers have the audacity to cut to a shot of Jim Lehrer, the debate moderator, sitting in the debate room w/ no one around. They’re making fun of him like they’ve never heard of #SadderDay smh

9:01 pm:

Finally we’re under way. The moderator introduces us; bears a striking resemblance to the Frontline reporter on Chappelle’s Show that does the story on Clayton Bigsby. Yeah I used a semi-colon on N@CT, so?

Obama comes gliding out, slight lean on the kid. #HeyBoos Michelle on their anniversary. Meanwhile Romney marches out in typical robot fashion, tucks in his antenna, lets out an awkward intro. His Wife Unit 5000® sitting at home pissed he didn’t acknowledge her.

 9:03pm:

Moderator unleashes the first question of the night. “How do you feel about $200 dates?” – Nah, he asked how the candidates felt about creating jobs. Obama starts out w/ some typical background about his plans. Immediately makes the move to bounce Romney off his corner like Marlo in his prime.

 9:07pm:

Romney’s turn to talk and he looks more nervous than Gunplay in Southside Jamaica, Queens. He’s pale, meaning they prob estimated a low latino viewership this evening. He’s stumbling around, going thru a series of William Shatner level awkward faces. Fires off a few points that stick though.

9:10 pm:

Obama just harping on the same few points he’s been making. Nothing new or eye popping to hear, though it’s for the most part valid. He goes to my mom’s favorite move, listing off everything his opponent is right about before laying down the attack. “Yeah, I agree to concede these few points….. then I shits on the bitch”

 Romney goes old school Vince McMahon in response. Calls him a liar & says all Obama’s ideas are basically his. Obama copies down a few notes, stares at him with the “this just got Bokeem Woodbine” face (shouts to @TheOnlyReed)

9:15 pm:

Romney firing off some points. Full “we don’t believe you, you need more people” in effect but he’s got Obama down on the mat & he’s climbing up to the top of the turnbuckle.

 He jumps off but Barry recovers, sticks his knee out then hops up smooth one motion like Jean Claude Van Damme. Counters by mentioning Bill Clinton aka Mr. Steal Yo Girl aka Trill Clinton aka Chilly Willy aka Bill Loudpack. Obama let’s off a few Ric Flair WOOO’s and finds his inner Hov. The crowd is sworn to silence but they giddy in their seats bruh. Obama throws up the “I ain’t even addressing this fuckboy no more” body language, starts talking directly to the people.

9:23 pm:

ABC News does their best heel and does Barack dirty w/ this here

Note they included the “…” pause in his speech. Romney slipped the producers a Ben Frank for this I’m sure of it.

 9:24 pm:

Romney starts getting in his feelings. Won’t let the moderator tell him his time is up. He’s whining openly now, calling his own fouls on non-contact plays at the rec center. Obama cheesing

 9:27 pm:

Romneybot unveils his first attempt at a “zinger,” some shit about Big Bird and eliminating PBS. Both Obama and the moderator hit him with the zZzZz. As a kid that grew up on my fair share of Arthur the Aardvark, fuck fucking Pixar character looking plain oatmeal eating job outsourcing bitch ass Mitt Romney.

 9:32 pm;

Donald Trump’s been mentioned three times already. He’s rolling a blunt @ Trump Towers filling out bankruptcy filings with Warren Sapp right now. Obama smiles every time Mitt tries to make a point, just like you did back in HS when the dumb kid in class got called on for the answer.

 9:40 pm:

Obama talks about eliminating tax deductions for jets. I was gonna make fun of the bumass football team from NY but instead I’ll just say that Curren$y just stared at the screen with his retarded ass face scrunched up.

 9:46 pm:

Romney’s fed up. His internal computer loads the WorldStarHipHop software & he gets sassy, starts waving his finger around. Basically clapping his hands w/ every syllable. On the verge of Z-snapping. He carries on to hulksmash all of Medicare.

 Obama responds calmly, talks slow so you understand. Very Clinton-ian. Biden licks off a few shots in the crowd. Romney stares on in disgust/admiration at the gawd.

9:52 pm:

Romney thinks he cheffed up some majestic slander – says that his plan for healthcare was originally crafted by Trill Clinton’s chief of staff. But when he clicked that mentions tab he had no RTs, no mentions, no favorites and lost a follower.

 9:56 pm:

Romney drops a reference to Appleton, Wisconsin, instantly winning over all 14 residents. Keeps slanging his healthcare plan like he didn’t install a similar plan to Obamacare in Massachusetts in 2006. But I’m semi-comatose off these Andes after dinner mints.

 10:00 pm:

Obama comes back at Romney w/ some “I remember my first run for Pres..” bars. Moderator tries to tell him his turn is up but Obama pulls back the side of his jacket to show the hammer on his waist and keeps talking.

 10:07 pm:

Biden drunk backstage, pissed off that he forgot to DVR Southpark tonight

 10:11 pm:

Romney’s people trying to get in touch with Ochocinco to figure out how to change his name to Mitt Reaganomney before the election next month.

 10:13 pm:

Obama talks about the main function of government… references Abe Lincoln, helping people out, providing an opportunity, and says education a make her dance. He says Romney went to Cranbrook….. that’s a private school. Currently working on confirming his real name is Clarence tho.

 Romney pulls out some corny lines hoping we already switched over to SportsCenter on ESPN2.

Please believe me!!

 10:18 pm:

Romney talks about how he’s concerned about supporting the military too. Obama smiles wryly, hits a button to green-light a drone strike on Yemen. Biden does the Shooter McGavin finger gun in the back.

 10:22 pm:

After fucking up and saying “poor kids,” Romney reboots and sends an error report to Windows before correcting himself to “low income kids” – then fires off another zinger to Baracka Flocka “You’re entitled to your own plane and house but not your own facts!!!” – Obama tells him to take a nap and reports him as spam

 10:27 pm:

Obama offers up the fade to the entire Republican party. Meanwhile Biden is fading a maintenance man backstage for stepping on his LeBron Xs.

 10:28 pm:

Obama runs the rock three times and punts it off to Romney w/ a few seconds left on the clock. Thanks him for coming out & getting clowned on on national TV.

 10:30 pm:

My youtube feed crashes out automatically, probably because of signal interference from Rmoney. I load it up on TV in time to see Romney’s hail mary get picked off short of the end zone. No replacement refs around to fuck it up. Obama swag surfs out w/ Michelle while Romney stands at the podium and shuffles some blank papers.

 Honestly it was closer than I thought. Willard Mittens brought his best but Barry just stiffarmed him all night. Obama has enough of a lead in the polls that he doesn’t have to kill him. He’s just gonna wait until Romney destroys himself some more. You think Romney’s the first nigga Obama played out in a two hotel town?

Come on now.

 Til next time! Thanks for having me Nerd. Follow me @jam_zg