Welcome back to your most trusted source of up to date, fair and balanced, trustworthy, hard-hitting, accurate, insightful, knowledgeable, reliable, resourceful, dependable, unwavering, bold, triumphant, trustworthy coverage of the 2012 US presidential election. Monday night was the final presidential debate before the election on November 6th, so if you haven’t picked a candidate to suppOrt yet, now would Be A good tiMe to consider which mAn you’ll be voting for.

8:58p

Aaaaaaaand we’re back. Another odd pre-debate group of awkward people. Young skinny Drew Carey to the far left, male and female with the same hair cut to the center and right, featuring many a shuffled paper laying haphazardly on what appears to be a felt table. They appear to be talking to some correspondent who is just a little bit too jazzed up about tonight’s event. I guess now we know what ever happened to this guy..

8:59p

Cut to our customary “lonely debate moderator” shot….

Perfect. #SadderDay

9:00p

Anyway, the candidates come in as usual. Maybarack O and Mitt “Tits” Romney exchange phoney handshakes and take their seats in the same awkward Who Wants To Be A Millionaire seating arrangement as the VP debate. After a bunch of shit moderators, with the exception of one pekingese dog looking lady, we’ve got Bob Schieffer tonight. He’s an old school journalist and he’s not to be fucked with. He’s even a little pissed he has to be here.

And I’m pretty sure he has two ears, but fuck it

9:05p

Romney speaks first, giving a general background of where he stands on foreign policy. He touches on minor issues without going too in depth(key Romney behavior) – In the meantime, Obama debuts his new anti-Mormon technology, staring lasers at Romney

Patent Pending

9:07p

Obama gets his turn to overview the United States foreign policy and we immediately recognize this as a strength of his. He’s been extremely tough in the foreign policy department (no doubt as a result of growing up in Kenya, or even worse, Chicago) and he’s poised for success in this debate. Romney looks at the master in lustful admiration nh.

“He’s just so damn charming”

9:09p

Just after Romney falls into a deep daydream about picnicking with Smoove Barry, Obama fires off the first few shots of the evening with a “Your plan has been all over the map, Governor Romney.” But he doesn’t stop there. He reloads and says that he’s happy Romney now admits that Afghanistan is important, because months ago Romney said that Russia was our biggest international threat. Now Obama is really cooking. He grabs up a pinch of salt and throws it into the pan, saying “Romney, twenty years ago called and asked for it’s foreign policy back” causing me to look around for Nick Cannon and the rest of the Wild ‘N Out cast.

9:11p

Romney tries to interject a bitchmade “Excuuuuuuuse me!” into Obama’s efforts to destroy him, but Barry is in full Dwayne “Barack” Johnson mode. He treats him like a child once again, saying “I know you haven’t been in a position to actually execute foreign policy. To be commander in chief, you have to be clear.” In other words – To be the king, you weird Mormon cartoon character looking bitch, you gotta beat the king.

Finally he drops the people’s elbow on a lifeless Romney, saying “Governor Romney, every time you’ve offered an opinion you’ve been wrong.” Mittens has no response but to squirm in his seat and take notes in the most uncomfortable way possible.

@MittRomney: smh *logs off*

9:17p

Romney talks in circles once again, failing to provide any in-depth plan for what he would do. Anything of detailed significance is something he agrees with Obama on. So basically, Romney is passing off the same exact ideas on foreign policy, just coming from a white guy instead. He barely even believes his own stuff though.

“Fuck, I’m going to lose, aren’t I?”

9:23p

In the middle of a serious discussion about Syria, Uncle Joe Biden comes crashing through the wall of the set in his 1978 Trans-Am(with the T-top roof) and hits Romney over the head with a beer bottle. He daps up Barry, makes the “Rock on” hand gesture, then backs his car out of the rubble, and peels out back to Washington, blasting “Return of the Mack,” of course.

9:25p

Both candidates have gotten an equal amount of time but it just seems like Obama has said so much more. It looks like Romney came into this debate thinking that “foreign policy” just mean policies that were foreign to him, like women’s rights, paying taxes, etc.

9:27p

Romney awkwardly mouths out something about wanting everyone everywhere to be “peaceful” – but if this wasn’t weird enough coming from an old, rich, Republican white guy, he certainly complicated it more by making the meanest face of all time as he said it.

“Peace. Yeah, these fuckers will eat that shit right up”

9:37p

Obama appears to be getting bored with all this, so he relates the discussion back to the economy so he can throw shade on Rmoney’s economic plan too. He makes direct eye contact with Mitt and says “Governor Romney wants to institute wrong and reckless policies.” Somewhere, Nas is suddenly inspired to do an Ether 2.

9:44p
A common theme in these debates, Romney says that Obama is misrepresenting his economic plan. He says that everyone should go to his website and look at it for themselves. Obama channels his upbringing on the mean streets of Honolulu(uh, work with me here), cutting Romney off to say “We’ve gone to his website quite a bit, and it still doesn’t work.” Damn. Feel free to check out http://www.romneytaxplan.com/ for yourselves.

9:45p

Romney points out that Obama is cutting spending on the navy. We have the least amount of ships we’ve had since 1916. Obama, again sees an opportunity to strikes, and says “Yeah, we also have fewer horses and bayonets” giving a little smile in the process.

“Sup now fuckboy”

9:51p-10:12p

Obama and Romney spar over the same intricacies of foreign policies, which is a snoozefest quite frankly. Obama scores a few points here, saying that Romney seems to be saying the same things he’s been saying, just louder, hoping that no one will notice. Also jabbing Romney for flip-flopping several times on Afghanistan as well as the importance of killing Osama Bin Laden. For this 21 minute span, if you’re scoring at home, just picture Romney getting trampled by a herd of gazelles.

10:13p

Barry briefly talks about his drone program. In case yall aren’t familiar, this is the most gangsta shit of all time. Ethically/morally right? Hell no. But gangsta. Obama has a secret CIA group that carries out drone strikes on enemy locations. Basically, some agent flies a stealth bomber plane that costs millions of dollars, not from the cockpit, but from an office in DC, using an Xbox controller. Just as you hold that blue X(or maybe you use the joystick if you’re a new nigga) to put up shots in 2K, this dude blows up whole blocks in Yemen. They aren’t all bad guys either. There might be one or two terrorists in the vicinity of a building, but they’ll blow all that shit up anyway. And just when you thought it couldn’t get any realer, they bomb shit again when rescue crews show up. And the next day, when they’re about to hold the funerals for the dead? Yeah that’s right. BOOM. Barry gives the green light on that shit while uncontrollably catdaddying around the oval office.

Where do I sign up for this??

10:26p

Obama seals the deal with a strong speech, clearly savoring every last moment of being able to talk to Romney like a child on national television. He even throws in one more parting shot, “Governor Romney keeps trying to airbrush history. Just like his bitch wife.” Slightly altered that last part.

This one’s a wrap. Another debate in the bag for Obama. Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan have won all the debates, except for 75% of them. Remember to get out and vote November 6th. Obama’s got a 70% chance of winning according to crackers who crunch numbers like that, but we could slip up and somehow let Bitch Romney snake his way into the presidency just like Billy Madison almost let Bitchass Eric take over his dad’s company. Fuck that.

My summary of how Romney got beat, in video form: