A lying politician is the standard I’ve come to expect over my relatively short life. This current political race has been kind to me in that it hasn’t challenged my expectations. If anything, they have been reinforced. However, my issues aren’t with the lying as much as they are with the blatant approach that has been taken in their delivery. Mitt Romney has been getting on stage and conveying fiction as fact with fearless assertion. Mitt Romney is the George Costanza of politics.

My suspicions were aroused when he made the claim that Obama has accumulated more debt than every President combined. As soon as I heard this, my memory had been triggered. I was taken back a few days in time to when I was perusing Instagram, being stingy with “likes,” and I came across a picture that relayed that exact same message. Surely, a candidate for President of the United States couldn’t be conjuring up slander using baseless material from Instagram. Out of the refusal to believe this could happen, I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt.

I did some research and apparently this claim had been around for a while. Regardless of its origin, the message was false. There seemed to be a lot of back pedaling following that statement with claims of “he meant to say…” No. There’s no “meant to say” when reciting a speech. The words were penned with intent. In addition to this lie, more and more lies seemed to be piling up from his side of the campaign. At this point, Mitt Romney and his speech writers browsing social networks for slander seemed feasible. How can you, Presidential candidate, get on one of the largest stages in the world, and make shit entirely the fuck up knowing god damn well you’re speaking to a nation of motherfuckers that know how to use Google?

Something is afoot. After the confusion wore off, I spent countless amounts of minutes analyzing the campaign trails of both candidates and coming up with my own conclusions. If I were pressed to guess how many, I’d say about ten. I amassed ten countless minutes youtube-ing, googling, and watching conventions to reach the conclusions I have reached.

Much like everything else on TV, these conventions, debates, and everything related to politics are a show. Every show worth watching is comprised of a core group of elements. Those are setting, characters, plot, conflict, and theme. The ending has already been written. Now the show must commence.

Setting

The United States of America.

Characters

Barack Obama – Protagonist – President – Ladies love him, girls adore him. Yes, even the ones that never saw him. A cunning linguist and master orator. The only person to ever deliver a better speech than him is The Rock. He is the most electrifying man in political entertainment. Aside from his captivating speeches, he’s most admirable for the foundation of love and support he has built within his own family. That angle will mostly be used to capture the votes of lonely women. He has an overall charming nature with a genuine compassion for his fellow man. He also owes Jay-Z a favor.

Joe Biden – Protagonist’s Affable Sidekick – Vice President – A fucking guy. Just some fucking guy. A straight shooter with endless stories of bar fights, one night stands, and insulting minimum wage employees. The cut of his jib is sharp. He applied for the Vice Presidency on Craigslist after he didn’t get cast for the Dos Equis commercials. He drunk texts his wife sexual advances and still participates in mischief night.

Mitt Romney – Antagonist – Presidential Candidate – Strictly a business man. He hasn’t taken his suit off since his first birthday when his parents sewed it to his skin. A strong, lone focus on economy. The human condition and using Google to fact check just recently fell off his list of priorities after lingering at the bottom for quite some time. He was the grim reaper for Halloween every year of high school. Keeps his dress shoes really clean.

Paul Ryan – Antagonist’s P90Xing sidekick – Vice Presidential Candidate  – Worked out with Tony Horton.

Sarah Palin – Comedic Relief

American People – The Audience

Plot

The country is at a pivotal point and a miscalculated move may prove to be catastrophic. Recent uprisings against governments around the world have inspired the American people to examine their own condition, subsequently instilling a need in the American government to maintain order. One misstep and a revolt may become reality. Pitted against a villainous foe, Barack Obama is the symbol of hope for a large portion of the population that is losing faith in their country. Will his rationale, compassion, and relationship with Jay-Z be enough to endure the deceit and misdirection of Mitt Romney?

Conflict

The American people are losing faith in the system that their entire country operates under and are becoming increasingly unstable. Regaining the trust of the people is imperative to stifle the impending revolution.

Theme

Maintaining control

One man is being presented as a complete lunatic, while the other is being presented as a man of reason. If the lunatic wins, people will lose any inkling of hope they might’ve had. If the man of reason wins, people will regain faith that the American people can still make intelligent choices. It’s sort of like when Commissioner Gordon lied about Harvey Dent being a hero to put Gotham’s people at ease. Barack Obama is Harvey Dent.

And Joe Biden is Batman.

Not because of any overlapping themes though, but only because he’d probably want to be Batman the most out of anybody.

This is the only way I could make sense of the blatant lying. And don’t tell me I watch too much TV because I don’t even have cable. So maybe I’m way off, maybe I’m not. Maybe Sarah Palin really can see Russia from her front door. I don’t know because I’ve never been to her house. Either way, I’m so confident in my theory that I won’t even vote to try and shift it into my favor. As a matter of fact, I might even vote for Romney. I’m accepting any and all bets for the outcome of this election as well. If you’re not willing to put money up, you don’t really believe what you’re selling. So until then, I’ll be writing up my official announcement for Presidential nominee of 2024

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