Nerd At The Cool Table
The Greatest Rivalry of All Time (By @AL_Patron)

The Greatest Rivalry of All Time (By @AL_Patron)

 “R&B singers turn into pedophiles after age 35.” – @FlyFOEaLightGuy

 Throughout the history of the world there have been rivalries that have left a lasting impact on the very fabric of earth, such as: North vs. South, The Hatfield’s vs. The McCoy’s, Stone Cold vs. The Rock, Black People vs. Everybody, Martin Payne vs. Ms. Gerri, Roadrunner (who I am convinced is the 1st gay cartoon character) vs. Wile E. Coyote, Biggie (East Coast) vs. Tupac (West Coast) & Mexicans vs. The Border to name a few. However, there is one rivalry that stands the test of time like no other, a rivalry so intense & full of hate that it leaves no room to be neutral, fans of these sides pick a side & stay on that side, understand there is no grey area.

 The rivalry I speak of is no other than Ron Isley aka Mr. Biggs versus R. Kelly aka The Pied Piper. This rivalry dates back to 1995 when R. Kelly was hired as the personal bodyguard for Mr. Biggs love interest Lila (played by Haitian queen Garcelle Beauvais aka Fancy from The Jamie Foxx show). Biggs specifically told Kelly not to touch Lila & sternly warned him by saying “don’t fuck me Kelly” which Kelly replied “you can trust me”, who knew that this would be the beginning of an iconic rivalry? Why Mr. Biggs trusted R. Kelly to begin with is beyond me, Kelly has weirdo stalker tendencies, why would a woman remind you of your jeep? You can’t sleep? Only stalkers have insomnia due to missing a woman. He was married to an 11 year old for Christ’s sake but I digress, maybe Kelly was the sociopath Mr. Biggs was looking for, it takes a cold young nigga to survive in the bodyguard game, so I sort of understand. Lila was obviously with Biggs for his money & was clearly unsatisfied with him sexually, so as the dynamic plays out, you have a young spry whippersnapper at your beckoning, while your old decrepit mogul is on the road, sounds like a soft-core porn screenplay if you ask me (don’t ask me). Much like Adam fell to Eve, Kelly bit the bait known as titties & lips and blew Lila’s back out, Mr. Biggs being the all knowing powerful underworld boss he is caught wind of it & sent the goons to do goon things to Kelly & that ungrateful scallywag Lila. Kelly & Lila were brutally beaten & Kelly was left for dead in a desert with one sock on & his first thought was to yell like a coyote, when in Rome I guess. How did Kelly get to the hospital? This was 1995 he didn’t tweet thru it, he couldn’t text the homies his location, so many questions but what isn’t in question is that the beef was on. Round 1 to Mr. Biggs.

 6 years had passed & the rivalry remained relatively quiet, Mr. Biggs was still lord of the underground & R. Kelly had rose to power with his magnum opus TP-2.Com. Even with all his success R. Kelly couldn’t let that loss from years past go, he had to get revenge for his one & only defeat, I call that the Michael Jordan System. So to initiate some heat, R. Kelly began calling himself “The Pied Piper of R&B” a direct shot at Mr. Biggs, who as a part of the group The Isley Brothers is credited with cultivating the sound most R&B crooners follow, shit was about to get real. Mr. Biggs was dating Chante Moore (who did nothing to dispel the stereotype that all light skin girls are hoes) at the time & learning from his previous encounter with Kelly, he just left her in the house without supervision. As Biggs rolled out, Kelly came thru to Biggs’ house & WAS HAVING SEX ON HIS BED WITH HIS WOMAN. Let that marinate….sunk in yet? Good. Now Biggs for whatever reason was on his way back home when he saw the ceiling rocking, came upstairs & took a peek to see his lady getting her walls torn down like it was sheetrock. A heated exchange of words ensued & Biggs Alzheimer’s seemed to get the best of him as he said “..this cat looks real familiar..” as if he didn’t recognize Kelly(who’s braids were the only difference in his appearance). Biggs’ goons have now arrived & he threatened Kelly and Moore by saying “I think y’all better leave this place cuz I’m about to catch a caaaaase” while pulling a sword out of his cane, some real life old school gangster shit. What Biggs failed to realize is that Kelly had his own goons who ran up in the mansion to even out the odds. Kelly left with Moore in hand, leaving Biggs with the “ain’t this a bitch” face. Round 2 to R. Kelly.

Fast forward to 2003 both R. Kelly & Mr. Biggs are now certified legends in the game but are entrenched in a 1-1 series tie, with their egos this rivalry could never end in a tie. Kelly being the psycho path that he is was determined to get the upper hand by again creeping with one of Biggs’ women, this time Kandy from the group JS was the floozy. Mr. Biggs trying to keep up with the times donned a Celtics jersey with a white mink coat & signature cane in hand; it’s obvious that he had become delusional in older age. When Kandy came home from a supposed girls night out, Mr. Biggs engaged in a domestic dispute which led to him kicking her out his mansion. Kelly’s entire existence seems to focus on tormenting the once invincible kingpin & he was successful. No matter where Biggs went, Kelly was sure to follow; he even went as far as to interrupt Biggs in the middle of his concert & upstaging him at that. Round 3 & 4 to R. Kelly.

 Though R. Kelly seems to be the victor there still remains unresolved issues between these two legends & I have no doubt in my mind that there would be furniture moving, slow singing & flower bringing if they ever cross paths again. Without a shadow of a doubt this is the greatest rivalry of all time.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *


Bad Behavior has blocked 893 access attempts in the last 7 days.