The Bunny Manual Presents: A Guide to Weddings with White People with @RegularAssRon
Here at Nerd at the Cool Table, we try to prepare you for every possible scenario life can throw at you. When it comes to the Bunny Manual, the scenarios and advice given will not only boost your image amongst the Caucasians, which can help you in some aspects, but will also give you a set of skills like my main man Liam Neeson. That being said let us kick off the “Good White Friends” series with the man, the myth, the legend @RegularAssRon as he prepares you for a “White Wedding”.
Tis the mothafuckin season. The season for white weddings. White girls love getting married in the summer. They can have a “real” reason to go tanning. They can participate in adult filthiness at the beach. Real kinky shit happens at bachelorette parties. Trust me; I know somebody who knows somebody who knows somebody who got it cracking with an entire bridal party. There’s nothing more amazing than a pack of washed up women who swear they aren’t washed up and to prove as much they are willing to do anything to show they still have it. Ok. This is where n!ggas come in. We don’t care about your wedding. We don’t care about where you went for dinner before you got to the bar. We don’t care how many classy hoes are in your bridal party. We already know everything we need to know. We know one of y’all will not participate in something. We know there is a guarantee that at least one of your female friends will be miserable. We know at least one of the bridesmaids will come out on the bachelorette party not to support the bride, but just to make sure they can show everyone how miserable they are. After the parties and bar filth, comes the real test.
Floating Through Bunny Bashes aka White Girl Weddings
- Your Date (Friend vs. Lover)
If you go to a white girl wedding with your ” friend” make sure the status of your arrangement is well understood and agreed upon beforehand. The “friend” date for a wedding is a win/win or a win/lose. You win because other bunnies can see how you play it safe but still stand out in the crowd. You lose when you don’t stick to the plan. If you go with a friend make sure you carry your own weight…(Bring a gift you cheap bastard) dance to coon music (usually some form of line dance or slide song), drink at the open bar (remember to tip and make sure the bartender sees you) dance more, drink more and at the end of the night your “friend” will either pass you the box or every single and available female at the wedding will have tossed you theirs before the last shuttle back to the hotel.
If you go with a “lover” just accept that you and her are a couple. No “I’s” only “We’s”. We’re going to dance, we’re going to the bar, we’re leaving and we had a good time. Going to a white girl wedding with your bunny lover is her way of showing you that when she busts it open; she really means it. I mean she did bring you around all those judgmental white people. She’s all in.
- What to Wear
Don’t dress like a coon. If you have a baggy suit…don’t even think about wearing that shit. If you own Timbs or polo boots smack yourself for even considering either one of those as acceptable footwear for a sacred white girl wedding. Wear colors that make white woman box do the cooking dance when it thinks of a black man inside it. Pinks, baby blues, baby blanket greens, basically look like your whole mission is to make every box in the building tingle with amazement and improper thoughts. Get you some hard bottoms and some cologne. Brush your teeth several times and prepare to smile for every picture even if you’re not in it.
- Show Up on Time
Don’t be a n!gga. Not on the day of a white girl wedding. Be ahead of schedule so when you’re on time; you’re still early. Your bunny wants to be fashionable with you not show up fashionably late. N!gga be responsible.
- Play Nice With the Elderly
Find the oldest white lady in the building and smile at her when you catch her staring at you. If you can win over the granny you can accomplish unfathomable feats by nights end. But don’t fuck the granny. That’s gross.
- Make Friends
White people in general love to know how someone knows a black person. They obviously know you aren’t family. But they wanna know their belongings (purses, cameras and white daughters) are in safe hands. If you gotta lie about not selling coke. Do it. Tell them you run a non-profit for underprivileged kids. Don’t worry as soon as you say the word underprivileged their brain will stop processing your voice. Just tell them you like to drink and usually that’s all the common ground you need.
Don’t follow these guidelines. I could be wrong. But; I’ve been to more white girl weddings than your oldest uncle and I’m pretty hip to the game. Be ready to win or be prepared to fail. Blessings and Bunnies.
This is the future that awaits you…