It’s no secret that the best scenes of a movie are often shown during the trailer. The filmmakers and actors may consider projects high art but make no mistake: To movie studios, each film is an investment, and their goal is to see a return by selling as many tickets as possible.
Many times, the courtship phase of a new relationship is a lot like the trailer for an upcoming movie. Both sexes put their best foot forward in hopes that, by seeing them at their best, you’ll be hyped for a glimpse of more, and thus, they’ll see a return on the biggest investment a person can make — their time. The previews we see from a person during courtship are usually great, but sometimes, what begins as a romantic-comedy can quickly change script, revealing itself to be just another drama, or worse yet, a horror.
Othertimes, two people have made it past the courtship phase and are actually in a relationship, but are the last to know. More telling than a title or any social network status, the way two people interact is what truly defines their situation. With that said, here are a few scenes, real life scenarios and unsung milestones that let you know the real show has begun.
HE PULLS A BOURNE IDENTITY MOVE.
There comes a point in most new relationships where a nigga will go off the grid for no apparent reason. His celly shoots straight to voicemail, texts are unreturned and he hasn’t tweeted in days. If you have reached a point where a call is expected at a certain time of day, everyday, you are in a relationship. The first “Where the fuck is this nigga” moment is usually the guy’s half-hearted attempt at rebellion. He knows he calls everyday, and he knows that you know he calls everyday. More than likely, he’s realized you two have fallen into a routine (in a man’s mind, routine means obligation and an obligation equals commitment) so he’s pulled a dissapearing act to prove to himself that not only is this not a relationship, nobody puts Baby in a corner. Not only is the guy is wrong but he will now have to clean the mess of emotions that were stirred in his absence. The infamous “What’s up with us?” talk is waiting, and usually is preceded by that inevitable text message from her that simply reads “Hey.”
THE FIRST TIME SHE TAKES A SHIT AT YOUR CRIB.
Once a chick takes a shit at your house y’all go together. Call her a sidechick in front of your boys, refer to her as a jumpoff when y’all argue, whatever: If shorty feels comfortable enough to take a dump in your castle that is your woman and don’t let anyone tell you any different. You fed her Chipotle, she took a Shitpotle and now she’s gonna think of you everytime “Love on Top” comes on the radio. The first time a woman you’re dating takes a shit at your crib, you have a decision to make: Either tell her things are getting too serious or claim her as your queen, because she’s already decided that you two are an item.
THE FIRST TIME SHE ADMITS THAT, YES, SHE ACTUALLY WAS ASLEEP.
When you first start dating a black woman and she’s really feeling you, she is gonna answer her phone whenever humanly possible. She’ll buy an extra phone charger and keep it in her purse just in case her phone dies while she’s out fuckin’ the city up. But most importantly, no matter when you call, she will never, EVER, admit to being asleep. It’s 1 a.m. on a Monday night. You can hear the sleep in her voice when she picks up the phone. Her last tweet could have even been “Well, goodnight Twitter” but she still won’t admit she was sleeping should you call. Getting a woman you’ve been dating less than a month to admit to sleeping is harder than getting a murder confession from O.J. Sure, she may one day publish a book titled IF I Was Sleeping, but realistically, the most she will confess to is “resting her eyes” or as I call it, second-degree slumber.
Her: I was resting my eyes.
Me: What does that even mean?
Her: No one knows what it means — it’s provocative. It gets the convo going.
That won’t last forever, though. One day, you’re gonna call — it won’t be about anything in particular, you just want to hear her voice — and your “What you doing bae …” will be met with “It’s 10:00 p.m. on a Tuesday nigga, I’m SLEEP. Call tomorrow.” Congratulations. She likes you.
THE FIRST TIME THEY DON’T CLEAN UP BEFORE YOU COME OVER.
If you think all women keep their homes completely spotless, I have some beachfront property in Idaho you may be interested in. I was dating this girl, and was unsure of her feelings, but the day I came over and saw a pile of clothes in her living room and a dirty skillet in the sink I felt an overwhelming sense of relief because knew it was real. Everyone gets a little lazy, and it’s good to know in advance how cluttersome a person can be. As long as things aren’t flat out disgusting, guys rarely stress the mess.
THE FIRST TIME Y’ALL DO SOME BROKE SHIT TOGETHER.
In 2008, Obama secured my vote when he revealed that he and Michelle went to see Do the Right Thing for their first date. Whether it’s true or just some PR story to win over the Spike Lee Joint demographic, it worked: The idea of a young Barack takin’ Chelly ‘Chelle to a Spike flick resonated with my inner Radio Raheem. Of course, that was in the 80s. Nowadays, tickets, popcorn and soda can run up to $50 bucks. On the road to the greater dollar, having someone that is willing to crash a BBQ, bring their “big purse” to the movies, or go half on a milkshake is greatest feeling in the world because broke people create their own fun. Best Buy can be Dave & Buster’s if you’re with a chick that ain’t afraid to hog the Wii or sit on the couch in the big screen section.
I hate getting to the theater late because I miss the trailers. That, plus the seat selection is horrible. Everyone spaced out between chairs makes things scattered; one chair open here … maybe another over there. But ultimately, the previews aren’t why I came: Somewhere along the way, I saw this movie’s preview and decided to give it a shot. People will push the best image of themselves as they can in the beginning; sometimes you get M. Night Shamalayn’d and other times things turn out just the way you expected. But the real story is what happens after things get real, and as long as you remember to give a person enough time to reveal the big picture, you will always have the best seat in the house.