“If I wanted to drink responsibly I’d stay sober.” – @realityybites

Alcohol is for losers. Alcohol is for sinners. Alcohol is fun. I am a sinner.

While companies warn us to be responsible, they always depict drinking as the greatest show on earth, filled with smiles, laughs, lust & dancing at a discotheque. There is that one commercial that tells you to be leery of “one too many” but let’s be real, what is too many? What they fail to show us is the dark side of drinking, the fights, the hugging the porcelain god, the girl urinating curb side for all to see, the DWI/DUI’s, the unprotected sex & the panic & sleepless nights for the next few weeks while awaiting for her menstrual cycle. Let’s examine a few of our favorite elixirs.

Hennesy (HenRock, Henny, That Brown) – You will be drunk texting the person you’re on a date with while they’re sitting in front of you with the ever so popular “You up?” The females who drink Hennesy will usually give you head while wearing timberlands & are fond of violence as a form of foreplay. You’ll be doing the A-town stomp while Usher’s “Climax” is being played in the club. Hennesy will have you walking around aimlessly looking for some one night love to whisper the lyrics to Maxwell’s “Pretty Wings” while you sweat profusely all over said person. Studies show you are 88% more likely to commit a crime while drinking this cognac. Unadulterated savagery.

Patron – Regal, elite, illustrious & prolific are just a few terms to describe this tequila. Think of being in 93 degree weather without a sweat trickling off your brow while the women of your dreams performs a flash dance through a silhouette in an outside shower. Patron is for the women with high standards but no discretion. It is a known fact that tequila, specifically the ingredient agave is a sexual stimulant & will lead to the best sexual encounter you will ever have. Your pull out game will be immaculate whilst intoxicated by this liquid of a cloud & the females will leave on their own. Now what’s better than the sound of heels click clacking down the stairs after a night of lust? Nothing.

Coconut Ciroc (Cocoloso) – Known as “Lusty juice” in some circles, this flavored vodka is responsible for many a one night stand 7 sex in public places alike. The sexiest women in the world drink this liquor & will perform the filthiest of filthy maneuvers only seen in pornography films. By the way, I stopped watching porn around 17/18 because every movie I’d go see I was expecting to see sex pop off like “Oh shit he’s going to visit his friend’s mom while he’s in the hospital, wait wait wait, where’s her titty? Why they not fuckin?” Don’t know where I was going with that but you get the point. Coconut Ciroc is like a high, a cool calm & collected zone until you see your ex-girlfriend at the bar & you’re so drunk you forgot you broke up then proceed to grab her ass & have sex with her then wake up next to her like “What the fuck did I do? Fuck Cocoloso!” Good times.

Grey Goose – Don’t do it. Please don’t do it. You will wake up with a headache, have sex until you fall asleep because of your inability to ejaculate. The bottle just looks nice in the club. No function, all fashion. I hate Grey Goose.

Beer – On a scorching hot summer day at the beach, not much is better than female watching & drinking a cold brew of your choice. Got the fellas over for a game or you hit a local bar/pub to watch it with some wings & cold one, it’s the American way. However, if you drink a beer as means of getting right on a Saturday night all you think about is “why am I drinking beer on my Saturday night?” This nonsense will have you in the bathroom 18 times before you even feel a buzz. If a female prefers beer, just presume she will use your socks to pad her bra. The sex is bland & you might end up like Big Ben in a bar patrolling bathroom stalls. Not cool.

Wine – The working woman’s drink of choice. Ever hear a lady say “This day was…., need some wine to unwind.” It’s acceptable for men to drink wine with dinner but other than that I’m sure there’s a man law that prohibits men from frolicking with a bottle of Chardonnay while playing the front stoop. Women who drink wine daily are more prone to love making as opposed to emotionless sex. They usually turn into stalkers that will claim you in public when you don’t even claim them in private. Temporary delusion but they still keep it cute. That’s wine.

Whiskey – Couple whiskey with the right cigar & you will swear you’re about to take over the planet. Usually for the captains of the underworld & bosses of bosses, you will find your liver in the shape of a prune in 3 weeks & your voice hoarse in about 4. There is absolutely no way you can pull out while drinking Whiskey because again, you have a feeling of invincibility & believe you are above such pettiness like pulling out. Grown ass man liquor.

Rum – Reserved for college students & stressed adults. You need a quick fix on a bad money day? Rum is the answer. Ron Barcardi provides the answers to all your problems but buyer beware, you are more likely to perform lewd acts in public & have no recollection of them in the morning.

E&J Brandy (Erk & Jerk, Esus Jesus and many other names) – The starter kit for all future alcoholics. When the Cash Money motto was to drink til you throw up, E&J is what was IT. Cheap, effective & strong, your first 3 chest hairs are courtesy of E&J. You more than likely called Earl (vomited for those not familiar with Earl) a few times while on that E&J. The right of passage liquor.

Margaritas & Daiquiris – For that cool relax feel in the summer you get yourself a Margarita, sip slow & just chill. However, don’t you dare have an umbrella in your drink, if I need to explain why, then you’re too far gone to save anyhow. Females LOVE frozen drinks, men love females, men buy frozen drinks for females, females tell men to try frozen drinks, men drink frozen drinks. Simple enough right? These drinks are for head on a hot day with the AC blasting & one sock on. Smoove shit. Yes that’s smoove with a v.

All in all alcohol is amazing; I mean most of us are probably byproducts of drunken sex in the 80’s. Don’t be that friend who drinks & wants to be all organized; you won’t get a 2nd invite. Rink irresponsibly but nothing is more irresponsible than arguing with strangers, that’s relegated for unemployed designated drivers who need the money to get the newest Jordans. Don’t be sober.

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