Before anything, let this be said, I’m a statistics type of person. It’s the reason you beating me in Words with Friends will have zero effect on my ego, because it won’t happen again for at least another 56 games. I’m serious. It’s also the reason I fully expect to be cheated on. Not because of any emotional insecurity or a harboring resentment, but because when I analyze the ratio of dicks offered to dicks taken of any female, I begin to realize it’s all a numbers game. The dicks offered to dicks taken ratio is intricate and requires an in-depth analysis, but that isn’t my main focus, so maybe I’ll address it in another post. But, in an attempt to keep it simple, if my girl comes across 2000 sexual offers within a year, one is bound to penetrate the “I have a boyfriend” force field. Even sperm finds its way out of the condom every once in a while. I’m just trying to keep things organic and 100% grass-fed out here, and I believe if you adhere to these guidelines of addressing your partner, statistically speaking, you’ll have a better chance of maintaining a healthy relationship.
Terms of endearment are vital to a relationship. But what’s even more vital is when to introduce which words. Address someone as “baby” before you’ve even had sex with them, there’s no doubt in my mind you have the delicate tunes of Drake in your Most Played List. You deserve whatever loneliness is cast upon you. On the other hand, if you’re still calling someone by only their first name a year into the relationship, you’re broken and they have been cheating on you. Something so very simple, yet so very powerful. Some of you are out here falling in fake-love calling someone, you’ve only been talking to for a month, “babe.”
When I say the courting process, I’m referring to the period of getting to know each other without being exclusive. If you must get cute with nicknames this early, there are two exceptions. “Boo” and any variant of “baby,” but never “baby” itself. Misspell it, mispronounce it, just do whatever it takes to never refer to that person as “baby.” Baybeh, bebe, behbeh, etc. are all acceptable. Let the word “baby” seriously come out of your mouth or fall into someone’s inbox this early and it’s fair to say nobody of quality will ever love you for you. The courting process shouldn’t take longer than 3 months. And don’t tell me about you and your specific situation thinking you destroyed my already flawed argument. I’m aware of exceptions to rules.
First Month of Exclusivity
“Baby” should gradually be making appearances. Try to keep it sparse. You might want to limit it to greetings and departures only. “Morning baby” texts and a “night baby” before hanging up the phone are placed perfectly enough to communicate a sense of care, but not too overbearing where it could be misconstrued as clinginess. Don’t force it, though. Verbal rape is just as real as physical rape. The word “baby” is supposed to introduce a level of comfort and convey a sense of emotion that was previously never there, and using excessive verbal force is not only uncomfortable, but overly-emotional. Comfort is organic. There’s no need to say “baby” after everything. Also, feel free to include any non-generic nicknames that you came up with specifically for that person.
Within the first year, “baby” should be the primary word used to address your partner. “Baby, I’m gonna eat it from the back tonight” is a much more appropriate text message 6 months into your relationship compared to the first month. Due to the nature of the word “baby” being a placeholder, it’s not advised to immediately give the person you fell in fake-love with the pleasure of that title. “Baby” is an emotional word and by holding out on using it up until this point, you’re bringing your partner to a new level of importance and priority, which will automatically make its use more effective.
When you eventually get into a fight, “I’m sorry, baby” will sound much more genuine. However, since it’s still an emotional word, saying “baby, what’s the problem?” is the audio version of tears. As a man, the string of those words in that specific order should never formulate in your brain. That’s where the word “babe” comes into play. Don’t jump right into it yet. Patience.
Side note: There shouldn’t be a need to seriously apologize for anything within the first month or prior anyway. If there is, exit stage left.
First Year +
At this point, “babe” should be making its first real introduction. Whereas “baby” is an emotional word, “babe” is a word of an advanced level of friendship and trust that can only come with time. You wouldn’t have a shared bank account with someone you call “boo” would you? Calling someone “babe” implies you trust them enough to go on a vacation without you and not cheat on you. Statistically speaking, they probably will and you’ll never know, but that level of trust is still there. And that’s a wonderful thing.
As opposed to “baby, what’s the problem?“, “babe, what’s the problem?” sounds like you’re making a genuine effort to fix the issue using compromise and reason. It’s a small variable, but subconsciously, it could mean the difference between a resolution and a fist fight. Metaphorical fist fight of course.
Side note: Stop using “the babe” to refer to someone you’re in a romantic relationship with. Example, “I’m out with the babe!” No, you’re not. They can’t hit 60 home runs in a 154-game MLB season while drunk off of moonshine.
Five Years +
At this point, “babe” should be at the forefront of your terms-of-endearment arsenal. Along the way, you may have picked up some other ones, but “babe” should never be overshadowed.
Hopefully, at this juncture in your relationship, you both have reached a maximum level of comfort, trust, respect, and honesty with one another. If not, ignore the proceeding, for it is reserved for the strongest of spirits. Five years is a substantial amount of time to be with one person, so this comes with privileges. Sometimes not every dispute needs to be worked out reasonably, and a well-placed “bitch, are you crazy?” yields healthy results. Ladies, your equivalent to that is, “you’re a real fucking asshole.” Respect has already been established between the two of you, but sometimes you have to take a few jabs to keep someone in check. Maintaining a healthy relationship being the primary goal, it’s not advised to use these terms prior to this period.
There are two words that should never leave your mouth. For the men, it’s “cunt.” Trust. There is no appropriate way to call your woman a cunt. Every time you use this word, you’re unwittingly (or intentionally for the passive-aggressive) decimating the foundation you two built and slowly prying her legs apart to prepare for the entrance of another man. Avoid at all costs.
For the ladies, it’s faggot. Call your man a faggot and whatever his reaction may be, it’s at the will of the universe and completely no fault of his own. If you choose to go down this path, be well-versed in the art of evasion.
In an effort to maintain a playful atmosphere and revisit the lust of when you two first started talking, time periods are backwards compatible. However, a term from an earlier dating period may never dwarf the significance of a more recent term. For example, if we’ve been going out for 5 years, I’ll call you “boo” every once in a while, but never more frequently than I’ll call you “babe.” Beware of this.
Follow this time table and it will statistically improve the chances of you having a healthier relationship. I’m not claiming it to be perfect, I’m claiming it to increase the chances of you not being lonely and flooding Twitter with desolate thoughts by a small percentage. And under the circumstances that you both have a similar understanding as to the connotation of these words, it works. It works because it keeps a healthy balance between being overly-emotional and emotionally unavailable. Life is all about balance and statistics. This is just a small piece of the puzzle, though. A small piece in a much larger picture.
All in all, I’m glad I found another way to take a cheap shot at Drake. And if you took anything from this at all, at least let it be the knowledge that you stand little chance against me in Words with Friends. Be safe. Be well. And remember, it’s not real love until it’s been at least a year. I want this to be exactly 1500 words. Bye.