It’s about that time of year again. With Valentine’s Day Harlem Shaking it’s way around the corner, the population of lonely women will have its annual skyrocket. Yes, as the weather drops, so will the standards of these lonely women in various area codes, in an attempt to duck & dodge yet another solo Cuffing Season. Ladies, there’s a reason the only thing keeping you warm during these harsh winter months is Barefoot Chardonnay and your utter despair. So before you crack open that fresh paperback version of Steve Harvey’s new book and cook up a fresh batch of male bashing tweets, take a long gaze in the mirror and make sure you don’t fall under any of these categories.
You’re Too Available:
Listen, have some damn dignity, I know your fathers raised you better than this. Well, actually probably no… never mind. Anyway, we get it ma, you’re lonely, now do us a favor and chill the fuck out. These women can easily be spotted; their favorites are stock piled with simp ass @iRespectFemales and @TheNotebook tweets, they brag about their nonexistent cooking and catering skills, and they started picking their future children’s names and wardrobe but haven’t had a date since senior prom.
Best Advice: the best way to tell a nigga ‘don’t date me’ is by screaming ‘date me’, no one likes a girl they can instantly have. If you’re that desperate for a man, go to the bar and fall in love the first nigga that’ll pay for your Apple Martini, like a real woman.
Real niggas have bills and obligations, we don’t have the time or the patience to mend a heart we didn’t break. These are the ‘niggas ain’t shit’ tweeters who give out relationship advice but haven’t been on a date since Tyronn Lou been in the league. Get over the past. Yes, I understand your ex-boyfriend lied and cheated on you; but be thankful, at least he didn’t beat you. If he beat you, at least he didn’t give you a non-treatable STD. If he gave you a non-treatable STD, your box is wretched and you deserved it anyway.
Best Advice: Learn to get over self pity and improve; it’s about time to press pause on your Adele CD and learn which clothes are tumble dry and which are dry-clean only.
You’re Standards Are Too High:
I’ll give you this, most of this epidemic is credited to niggas with high thirst levels and low standards. You left a few ball players on scholarship and non-guaranteed contracts run full court in your twat and you think your value skyrocketed in the open market. Nah, letting a few niggas with ESPN highlights skeet in you sheets does not mean you suddenly have Morton’s Steakhouse box when you’re whole life you’ve been a Wingstop box type of girl. Self realization is the biggest step to being in a happy relationship; maybe you’re not cold for Trey Songz, but with some work and developing the ability to properly season a steak, George from Accounting will treat you like a Queen.
Best Advice: Open yourself up to new relationships, give the fry cook from Wendy’s a play at the cheeks. If he openly cheats on you, he doesn’t respect you and you need to lower your standards. If he doesn’t cheat on you, you can do better.
You a Hoe:
The most elementary of reasons why you’ve never received an invite to a company dinner party or experienced family reunion. Unlike the other three, once you’ve entered this category, there’s no escaping without first changing residences. You bussin it wide open in numerous Twitpics and late night escapades in #TwitterAfterDark may earn you a few RTs and probably a few inquires about the box in your DMs, but if you ever plan on meeting a respectable man’s aging grandmother, you can forget it. How am I suppose to bring you to meet my mother when I know my two best friends are discussing notes on your box over 5 minute quarters in 2K12? Don’t know if he considers you a hoe? Think back to the last time you had sex; if he willingly used a condom, you’re definitely a hoe.
Best Advice: Find yourself a man without access to the internet. Or move. Only two ways I’ve ever seen it work.