Nerd At The Cool Table
NBA’s Top 10 Coons (By @PeteRubens)

NBA’s Top 10 Coons (By @PeteRubens)

I think I can speak for everyone who’s grown up around the game of basketball, you get exposed to a ton of different personalities. There’s usually the common hooper, which made up most of the team, a few niggas who’d rather watch Fresh Prince alone than kick it with the group and an occasional weirdo or two who no one knew could even speak English. Then, as sure as the sun rises and sets every day, every team had a coon.

Now, a coon isn’t necessarily a nigga. A coon is a person who is capable of wilding the fuck out at any given instance, and the National Basketball Association is chalk full of em. David Stern has to pray every night that one of his players isn’t shaking nervously in front of the cameras on The First 48, cause some of these niggas are out of control. Yeah, niggas witness random acts of coonery every day b, but that’s usually from New Niggas and women who didn’t have a father figure present. These niggas are making millions of dollars a year, and still can’t buy any spare fucks. It’s a talent, and I’m truly a fan, so I gotta have a list of the best of the best coons in the League. And for those sensitive to race relations, Louis Farrakhan doesn’t post on my blog, so you at the wrong place anyway.

10) Kevin Garnett

In my personal opinion, Kevin Garnett is secretly the biggest coon in the NBA, but most of his ignorance occurs on the court and hasn’t had him shackled yet, so he gets a pass here. But my nigga has to chill. Either he’s head ramming the post of the rim, quoting DMX bars to his imaginary posse on the court or yolking up Bill Walker, nigga is mad wired. When I heard Charlie Villanueva said KG called him a cancer patient, I wasn’t surprised at all, that’s not alright.

09) Lance Stephenson

My dog only got a pair of 2K appearances under his belt, so there’s still some time to shed the coon label, but it’s not looking good. He’s a super talented PG from New York, doing ignorant shit is in his DNA, so when he got arrested for copping a feel on a shorty in high school, I figured he’d learned his lesson. Naaah, nigga had to go Super Sayian and slid tackle his girl down the steps. I expect at least a hand full of struggle freestyles from him in the years to come.

08) Michael Beasley

Smh, I’m so disappointed with this nigga it’s disgusting. I thought Mike Beasley was gonna be that nigga when he came into the league, but once he intentionally grew out his hair for straight back braids, I knew I was mistaken. He doesn’t do too too much, just a little too much weed and a little too many women you have to pay to have sex with. But he tweeted himself rolling up, he really thought he was Wiz Khalifa, so he deserves this spot.

07) Stephen Jackson

Easily one of the most underrated ratchet niggas in the league, Stephen Jackson has no idea what the word ‘chill’ entails, just take a gander at the photo. Jackson is probably best remembered for delivering a devastating right hook in the brawl in Detroit, but if you thought that’s weird the coonery ended, think again. Right after that, nigga got into a scuffle outside a strip club and decided to let the chopper sing a quick tune into the sky to show how authentic it had gotten. Should’ve known the nigga was ’bout that when he came into the league and succeeded with a head full of single braids.

06) Mark Cuban

Remember when I said coonery comes in all different races and ethnic backgrounds? Mark Cuban is walking, talking, breathing proof of that. Easily the richest one on this list, he has both the most to lose, because he’s rich as fuck, and the least to lose, because he’s rich as fuck. Cuban has made almost made a side career off of talking shit to the refs from the courtside of his Mavs games, so when he shut up and his Mavs won the championship defeating the evil bearded ones in the process, him being blacked out drunk during the interview was expected. But when they took over Liv in Miami with Young Money, and my nigga dropped $80,000 smackaroos on a bottle of Ace of Spades alone, I knew he ran outta fucks years ago.

Does this look like a man who gives a shit about you or your well being? Absolutely not.

05) Metta World Peace

The very fact I even had to type that bullshit verifies him being on this list. Ron Artest is so ignorant, you can kind of understand why niggas were scared of having Obama in office. I remember I saw the whole fight in Detroit unfold before my eyes, nigga I thought Vince McMahon was up to his old, filthy promotional tricks. Nah, This nigga Ron really treated the fan like Chris Brown treated Ri… never mind.

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Anyway, I thought Ron had chilled in the few recent years, until he REALLY thought he was Chris Brown and dyed his hair beach blonde, and anytime a grown ass man does that, he’s gotta develop some recline.

04) J.R. Smith

You can tell by the way J.R. Smith that he came into this world with no extra fucks and hasn’t bothered to collect coins to purchase any. If he wasn’t as ignorant as he was, he probably wouldn’t be as good as he is. But the fact he’s so ignorant, he’ll never be as good as he should be. Nigga only got arrested once for being on a scooter, which is kinda of ignorant in itself, but the fact that he got Young Money tatted on his neck in various colors and hues defines him as a coon by default.

03) DeShawn Stevenson

He’s probably the most content nigga ever with being referred to as a coon, because he was accused of having sex with a 14 year old earlier in his career, so its an upgrade from a rapist. A 14 year old dog? nigga really thought he was R. Kelly. Anyway, he had a few more acts of coonery throughout his career though;

1) He got a tattoo of Abraham Lincoln on his neck, smh.

2) He got in a beef with Jay-Z

3) He leaked a picture of himself in fronts holding his black card while his pride sat comfortably in the living room.

But the illest shit came when they won the NBA Championship, with Mark Cuban with him picking up the tab, I knew shit was about to get incredibly relevant incredibly fast. Nigga made a shirt dog, a fuckin shirt, covered in sponsors and LeBron slander, then got arrested TWO days later. Sportscenter didn’t have time to do a compilation before he got put in shackles.

02) Gilbert Arenas

lmaoooooo. It’s hard to think there are more ignorant niggas that exist in this world, much less in the NBA, than Gil. Trust me when I say this; This. Nigga. Does. Not. Give. A. Fuck. About. ANYthing dog. Point, blank, period. In his prime he used to pull up from 35 feet with the utmost swag, shoot game winners and bow to the fucking crowd before the shot touched the rim. Shit was incredible. But when he brought guns to the locker room to collect on his duckets JaVarias Crittenton owed him, lined them up and put a note that said ‘Pick One’, I said fuck school. But the next night when he did the dance shooting the guns… nigga, I was in tears. I could inhale nor exhale dog, I knew he was about that life. Just look at this niggas planking exhibitions over the summer.

01) Delonte West

The king of ignorant ass niggas in the NBA. He has no relax anywhere in his system and he’s perfectly fine with that. There are plenty of reason why he claims the throne; 1) we have no idea what fuckin color he is, and those niggas always seem to be the craziest. 2) He road around with two yoppers in a damn guitar case on a motorcycle and 3) He made a 7 minute about freestyling about fucking chicken.

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Over the lockout, fam got a job at a furniture store, look at his application, then proceed to shed tears.

Nigga is the absolute definition of a coon.

Needless to say, without these niggas around, life wouldn’t be nearly as entertaining, but supporting them has to have a negative impact on my credit score.

8 comments

  1. TEARS! Good shit!

  2. LMAO! This post fire! I would like to add Vernon “mad max” Maxwell, Charles Barkley and Charlie Ward to the Legends team. lol

  3. IM DYING!!!! West is a real nigga i miss him on the Celtics. i aint know KG was a wild like that since 2008

  4. funny how beasley is from the dc area, along with west, and gilbert & stevenson played on the wizards together

  5. LMAOOOOOOO THAT NIGGA MIKE BEASLEY DAWGGGG

  6. lmaoooooooooooo dead ass list is on the money

  7. That toll booth where Gil is planking at is right around the corner from my house…looked at the pic & was like ‘hey wait I know where that is’ SR 408, Pine Hills Rd exit if I’m not mistaken, in Orlando.

  8. Hahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!! #Priceless

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